Post It Rant

If you write on a post-it note, you should remove the sheet you write on. This is the design of the post-it note. It is FUNDAMENTAL. If you're keeping a journal, diary, etc, then get a notepad. I get highly annoyed [sic] when I want to use a nearby post-it note, only to find I must remove the top sheet, make my notes on the next sheet, remove that sheet, then replace the top sheet (aka the BULL sheet) so someone else returns to a post-it note stack which appears undisturbed.

So, next time, I'm throwing the top sheet in the shredder, and you'll be on your own to remember to restock on Tuck's Pads when you're at the supermarket.

Charisma

I am seeing you in a new light, the light of "cult leader". Hmm, what do you think?

I would join your emo based cult, drink your kool aid, or whatever it is you're going to make us all do.

What do you think of Stacy Kilgore? She seems vulnerable to me, exactly the type of person that could be influenced to join a cult.

Would we all wear moo moos and chant for 6 hrs a day? Who's cult is this? Yours or mine?

Now I want a cult and I guess I can't very well START a cult and belong to your cult. Sort of like a cult conflict of interest, I guess.

So, I'm reneging, I won't be joining your cult afterall. No hard feelings, it's just that I've got to do this thing. And, stay away from Stacy, she's mine.

Legalities

Yeah sure, it's a reprint.
And sometimes, I look over my shoulder too.
But if you, or anyone else has a problem with that,
You're going to need to contact my attorney.

My attorney just had a 1-800 number installed.
You punch in these numbers:

1-800-586-1980

...and my attorney picks up the phone.

My attorney is always borrowing from Latin.
I said, I've heard of "pro bono,"
My attorney says, "That's for other people."

Sometimes I think my attorney uses that 1-800 number to receive phone calls from various nationwide floozies. I'm not sure that is something I approve of.

I don't think my attorney seeks my approval, rendering that point moot. It's stated here anyway, just for the record. He states stuff for the record all the time, so why can't I?

I can't live without my attorney, and sometimes I wish someone would cross me, just so I can dial that 1-800 number and say,

"I got somebody I want you to mess up! I want you to transfer all of this joker's assets to me. I don't want to hear any Latin, I don't want to hear any 'ifs ands or buts'- just do it!"

Checkout

No one ever pays any attention to the light. Go ahead and turn your light off, it won't make any difference, because if there is a clerk scanning groceries, people are going to line up.

What does this tell you? It tells me you should keep that checkout lane open, and it tells you the same thing.

So, take your smoke break after the rush is over- or better yet, skip the smoke break and bring some carts in from the parking lot.

Bride takes a swim

A friend of mine found this:

Surf Phone

...a road weary traveler arrived at his destination. The usual arrival procedures ensued: unloading the vessel and "moving in" so to speak. Part of these procedures included dealing with personal effects: keys to a house thats 300mi away, some cash bundled with some credit cards, a drivers license, and that ambiguous device of modern life- a mobile phone.

"I'll just put this phone right here on this available, horizontal surface. After all, this esteemed host of mine has cluttered up his place with all kinds of trash (literally, other people's trash) that he finds on garbage night.

"But, even if he found whatever this hoogie stand is in the trash/garbage, it will still make a nice spot for my phone...

"It's almost like this spot was designated for my phone, what with the power outlet so nearby...and I like those little pebbles at the bottom of my adopted "phone stand". Golly!

"Now, back to the vessel."

***

Another ritual to the arrival process in this place was also underway: the customary ordering of a stuffed crust pie ("excellent" spoken Montgomery Burns' style). As a man crawling through the desert craves water, so too does a man driving through the void crave stuffed crust pie.

Well, what do you know? The host himself has arrived only moments prior to the pie delivery. Everything is set- turn on that television, hey is that channel with "the cat" still on the air? That always cracked me up.

***

Satiated from stuffed crust consumption, couch potatodom combined with TV viewing (the new American way) begins in earnest. There must be a game on one of these crazy cable channels, right?

***

around 2hrs pass

*gurgle, gurgle, gurgle*

Sheesh! That sounds like my mobile phone, but somehow not. It's as if someone submerged my mobile phone in the toilet.

Wait a minute! That's not a phone stand, it's one of those cheap fountains they make in China and sell to Americans to perpetuate their idea that they're affluent (I have one myself- different model).

But, it was void like the...
dry like the...
desert like the...
void when I got here! What could have created this sudden oasis?

Hold it- this buffoon has put his fountain on a timer and ruined my phone in the process.

Who puts his fountain on a timer in the first place? What kind of bizarre freakshow puts his fountain on a timer?

Although this fountain was on a timer, it would seem the metaphorical, fountain of stupidity never goes off...

Apparel Problem

Imbecile

What is wrong with this individual? Many amongst us resent someone with these sort of natural good looks, but that's not his biggest problem. His biggest problem is that he wears the logos of two teams in conjunction, a critical error in judgement.

Time and time again, this fashion faux pas rears it's ugly head. Who are these imbeciles, who, when planning their ensemble for a public outing, choose to wear two logos? Do their mothers lay these outfits out on their beds for them? It's just sick and wrong.

Read one (of many) of the Cliff Blog's fashion laws, here and now:

+NEVER, under any circumstances, do you wear two logos at once.
+There is no exception for "God's teams," the Cincinnati Reds, and UK (basketball) Wildcats!
+All other logos are included. For instance, a NASCAR ball cap with a San Diego Chargers TShirt is just as unacceptable.
+Sneaker logos should match any other athletic clothing logos. Adidas sneakers are acceptable with an Adidas cap. Adidas sneakers are not acceptable with a Nike cap.
+Sneaker logos are pervasive. Any sneaker logo is acceptable with any other, single, non athletic logo. For instance, Adidas sneakers are acceptable with a Cincinnati Reds cap.
+Multiple logos can be displayed if they are for the same team. For instance, a Cincinnati Reds TShirt is acceptable with a Cincinnati Reds cap.
+Any Bengalberry logo is unacceptable, inexcusable, and downright preposterous. You're basically saying, "Look at me, I have no ability to reason. I support millionaire thugs and their babysitters."

Unfortunately, there is an enforcement issue involved here. The Cliff Blog lacks the authority to correct this moronic behavior. So, you will be on your own to "self regulate" (kinda like Wall St). But, know this: should you fail and violate this fundamental fashion law, others will sneer, chuckle, and possibly prejudge you (correctly) as a clown of the highest degree.

Wildlife, the U.S. Mint, and trivia during the Silly Season

Intro- during the trip south for the silly season, some minutiae occurred...

Rolling down 75S in a torrential down pour on twelve twenty four can be hazardous to your health. But twelve twenty four is what it is, and after arriving safe and sound, which was even money at the outset of the ride, the annual ceremonies commenced in sequence. Amidst all that fal-duh-ral, various ephemeral cash transactions were made. You know the types of goods and services, everyday stuff at the Speedway or Taco Tico or Marika's on Southland (no website! tsk tsk).

Ah, livin was easy. Something tells me that, in the future, maybe the near future, I will look back on weekends of Speedway, Taco Tico, and Marika's with a fondness for something lost. But, that is a separate issue altogether.

This blog entry will not address that issue, this entry has to do with some obscurity involving said ephemeral cash transactions. More specifically, the state quarters received as change during a Taco Tico feedbag pickup (3 hard tacos/volcano sauce, 2 combo burritos/hot sauce).

Have a look at these state quarters:

Change Given

On the left, a quarter representing South Dakota. On the right, a quarter representing Oklahoma. Fine enough, but what else is going on here? Is that the same bird? Does this bird appear on any other state quarters? Is this bird tasty?

More questions than answers for the time being. The various relatives and friends that appeared, disappeared, reappeared and finally disappeared (into my rear view mirror) had no answers to these questions and moreover, seemed largely underwhelmed by the observation itself.

Fine enough.

Returning home to a subsequent visit from an esteemed colleague lead to all sorts of information. The esteemed colleague spoke with authority on the matter of the two birdies:

+Although similar, the two are NOT identical.
+South Dakota's quarter depicts the red ringtail pheasant.
+Oklahoma's quarter depicts the longtail pheasant.
+The longtail is distinguished from the red ringtail by it's pointed wings.
+Whether or not either appears on a third state quarter is unknown. Conventional wisdom says- probably not.
+Neither birdie is all that tasty.

For those curious about the world, take this information with you and always examine your change closely- not just for pheasants, but to make sure it adds up to what you were expecting.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
It's the hap- happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all

Er- what about all the darkness?

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Er- I'm cold.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Holy Smox! Look at the Dude Energy bill for last month!

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Er- what about all the obligations? What about the ridiculous notion that I must spend on material items in order to save face?

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time
It's The Most Wonderful Time
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Er- I'm not sure I see it that way. I mean, spring is really nice, and I like baseball season alot.

You're a "Scrooge!"

Oh no! My Christmasphobia is acting up!

Blagojevich Resignation Speech

Rod Blagojevich and his hair

The Cliff Blog has obtained a draft of the upcoming "Hot" Rod Blagojevich resignation speech. It is reprinted here as a perk to Cliff Blog readers:

***
"Greetings everyone. Greetings to the citizens of Illinois, the United States, and the world. "Season's Greetings" to the citizens of Illinois, the United States, and the world.

"I'm sure you are aware that this administration faces tough allegations. Allegations which will eventually be proven false. However, the allegations have affected this administration's ability to govern, and I, Rod Blagojevich, am hereby resigning my position as Governor of the State of Illinois.

"I would like to take this opportunity to offer some additional information in the form of three points.

"Firstly, during my term as Governor of Illinois, I have found it ironic how such a screwed up and corrupted state, could build such a fantastic city, namely Chicago. How, over the decades of scandal, did we manage to create such an intricate place of architecture blended with those crazy stuffed crust pizza pies? It really defies imagination.

"Secondly, for all those haters: this morning, I issued the Illinois Governor's executive order number 312-708-773-847 which officially abolishes the Chicago Cubs. Local fans seem OK, however, there are legions of "wannabes" throughout the country that, frankly are getting on everyone's nerves. My recommendation to those fans which are NOT annoying, is to start following the Cincinnati Reds. I mean, with Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips, Jay Bruce, Edinson Volquez, Johnny Cueto, etc...what's not to like? They're a really cool team and every so often they win the World Series!

"GO REDS!

"In any event, a demolition crew will begin work at 1060 W Addison in early 2009. By opening day, the ballpark will no longer exist. Neither will the team. By 2010, we will have built "The Shoppes of Wrigley Towne Centre" at the site. You're going to want to bring your SUV to this development, for all the crap you're gonna buy!

"Finally, the hair is real, and it is FABULOUS!

"Thank you, and good night!"

Confucius Wisdom

Grasshoppa-
When undergoing prep for colonoscopy, remember to duct tape legs to toilet seat. Otherwise you suffer "space shuttle effect" and end up beyond moon.

Spellebrex (spellenfiltranitratomoxcylinfan)

I alwaz dreemd of havig my own bloog, but I phelt lik it waz a bad idea 4 me too start a bloog, sence I hav a spulling problum.

Then I talkt too my ductor about Spulebrex. He sed it hulps milyuns of peepl jus lik me an he rote me a prediction.

He sed it wood not hulp with the stoopidty.

***Once I started on Spellebrex, I realized I could have a blog! But that wasn't all, I could also send e-mails, write ransom notes, and forge Government forms!

Thanks Spellebrex, you're the best!

***All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects when using Spellebrex. Check with your ductor if any of these COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Spellebrex:

+Eye burning or irritation
+Itching, pain, redness, stinging, or swelling
+Headache
+Herpes
+General hallucinogenic visions
+Increased SNOT production
+Incessant babbling (however, this is normal in "annoying" patients)
+Incessant blogging
+Incessant ANYTHING

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Spellebrex:

+Severe allergic reactions (rash/hives/itching/difficulty breathing/swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or ENTIRE HEAD)
+Explosive diarrhea/projectile vomiting
+Projectile diarrhea/explosive vomiting
+Even more herpes
+A specific hallucinogenic vision involving turtles
+An overwhelming sense of panic that the universe is disappearing before you, and that it's your fault
+Suicidal thoughts
+Death (you may need to have your next of kin contact your ductor if this side effect occurs)

Patients who use Spellebrex should not operate machinery or sneeze. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Spellebrex because it will really screw up the baby.

TW pays Bronson

Funny you should ask that, Bronson. You see, I ditched cable around 5yrs ago when they raised my rate from $42/month to $50/month while simultaneously removing my favorite college basketball team's regional coverage from their lineup.

Now, here's a question for you- did you know that you kinda look like a lady?

I guess that's cool with me, as long as you throw strikes in 2009.

So much beauty

Earth, you're not so bad (especially when you consider my options). So, I'd like to take a moment to recognize you.

I think you deserve a cookie.

Freeassociated Gush

So, this guy sits down to make a blog entry. This guy really wants to make a blog entry but has nothing to write about. So he writes about being unable to write anything.

***
Man, it is just so hard to think of something to put in this blog entry. I really wanna make a blog entry right now, but can't think of anything to write about.

***
I rolled down to Camp Washington and bought 4 coneys with everything. I gave Rebecca $6.00 and about 10 minutes later, she produced the 4 horsemen, er, coneys. Anyway, Rebecca didn't charge me sales tax, which I thought was pretty cool.

I eat my coneys with a fork.

***
NO, No, nO, no! People don't want to read about some banal trip to pick up coneys. How is that blogworthy?

It's not, and face it- your blog has bigger problems. All you ever do is rant and rave about some minutiae or get worked up about the local football team. People don't want to read that stuff. People want to be happy and your stuff is either unhappy, unnecessary, or below standards.

Honestly, a blank webpage is preferable to the stuff thats getting posted. Or no webpage at all- even though people can't visit "no webpage at all". At least, though, you won't be pestering them with the "are you reading my blog?" question all the time. It annoys people and when you ask it, you're putting them in the position of having to say something mildly unpleasant.

"No, I'm not reading your blog.
I have no interest in what you write."
So don't even confront them with the question, it's making you unpopular.

***
People don't even get it, the majority of them don't know you ever even post anything, because they view blogs as plain old HTML instead of subscribing via feed reader, thereby missing the point entirely. In their world, web browsing is done proactively.

Is that it? Because you understand the feed as an application of XML, you feel superior to them? You can go around belittling these computer illiterates and as a result feel like a tough guy?

***
Hey if they don't like the blog entries, thats fine. Go ahead and put what you want up there. It's yours after all: SINGULARITY.

***
Those coneys were a bad decision, Rebecca. I know it's your job to sell coneys, but do you ever see someone roll in asking for coneys, and think to yourself, "this guy should not be eating coneys right now."

***
I loathe the phone more and more. People used to send letters via the pony express, or sometimes a dude would put a message in a bottle and throw the bottle into a body of water. It floated along for a little while and some other dude would find it halfway across the world when it washed ashore.

I remember the time I put a self addressed stamped envelope in a ziploc bag and tied it to a helium balloon. All the kids at school did it as part of a project. Well, my balloon landed in Knoxville, TN and some joker there sent me a letter back in my SASE.

So, communicating in print, thats just the way it was done. Then this Alexander Graham Bell guy shows up. He's managed to figure out how to transmit the human voice over a wire. Little did anyone know what an annoying little invention/discovery that would turn out to be.

Phones proliferated for a pretty good little while and then the DOD cooks up this computer network protocol and as a subset of it they create SMTP for e-mail messages.

Now, print is back and better than ever- for those that are literate anyway. Others cling to legacy voice and I've got to stay backwards compatible with them. Of course, the alternative is not to answer the phone, to insist on print communication. In effect, giving an ultimatum: communicate with me in print or not at all.

That type of thing gets the illiterates in a bad mood.

Stay in school.

***
Once upon a time, there was a lady that lived on a farm set back from a winding, country road. She was a Mexican and her name was "El Ball de Butter". THE END.

Windstorm Doggie

During the "Hurricane Ike" windstorm from a couple weeks ago, a friend shot this photo:



If you can't laugh at that, you must have carpet on your heart.

Wrigley Field Grounds Crew: Hello!

A classic Wrigley Field moment occurred yesterday:



***

This was an embedded video of a Major League Baseball play. Why MLB would issue a take down notice to a video on Youtube is a subject of great mystery.

Couldn't it be possible that someone browsing the Internet, or subscribed to a blog, would come across an entry such as this, and think, "Gee that looks fun. I think I'll go to the game in my town tonight."

But no: the insular attitudes at baseball's highest levels have prevailed again. No more MLB on Youtube, and before that, no more free streaming audio of MLB broadcasts, and before that, the ridiculous "home market" blackouts, and on and on.

The clowns in charge of MLB are extremely fortunate that they have the greatest game. No matter how hard they try to screw it up with steroids or the designated hitter, we're allured by the baseball game because of it's intricacies, it's time of year, and it's settings.

Upside Down Under

Eight

8
8
8

Destiny in Battle Creek

Recently, Barack Hussein Obama gave another one of his electrifying speeches- this time in Battle Creek, MI. He was no doubt catering to the sugar cereal lobby during the speech. The Cliff Blog has obtained a transcript of the speech and it is reprinted here:

"Heeeelllooooooo! Cereal City!"

crowd applauds wildly- 90sec

"Ladies and gentlemen of Battle Creek- I come to you tonight to report things are not well in our great country. That the economy is a shambles, that costs are up, and that some people are finicky eaters.

"This is the bad news, but I want to assure you, that together, we can take the steps necessary and enact change in our great country.

crowd applauds- 30sec

"It starts with ending our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'. All of us, need to reach out, and try new flavors and textures.

"For instance, I met a man in Birmingham, Obama, er, Alabama that wouldn't eat anything green (except for a bowl of Green Apple PebblyPuffs) and he adamantly said to me:

'If it's not a bowl of sugar cereal, or it doesn't go "moo moo" or "oink oink" I ain't eating it!'

"This same man professed his love for Sugar Smacks, CoCo Crispberrycruchies, and Choco-Marshmallowarifics- all produced here, in Battle Creek. He also mentioned consuming copious volumes of Cheetos and incidentally, he was around 5'10" and weighed 350lbs.

crowd becomes restless

"My opponent knows this exact same truth: that the junk food diet of the USA is killing us. But, his solution is to close down Battle Creek. To close the Frosted Diddlies factory, to close the Fruity Nut Explosions plant, and finally, to kill Count Chocula himself!

crowd boos

"But, citizens of Battle Creek, Michigan- I stand before you to report that this approach is not the answer. That my opponent is misguided and wrong.

crowd's ears perk up

"No, Battle Creek, I want to retrain the sugar cereal industry here, creating vouchers for retraining programs! We can put people to work and create jobs right here in Battle Creek! People can work to create foods that Americans will have to try if we're going to end our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'!

crowd senses a handout and begins cheering again

"The citizens of Battle Creek are too intelligent and can work producing flavorful dishes such as sushi and side items such as steamed broccoli! That the citizens of Battle Creek can create minced onion, the building blocks for Thai food, and spinach for the stuffed crust pies of Chicago, Illinois! Which, by the way, is a redneck town filled with a bunch of losers.

crowd applauds wildly- 60sec

"The production costs for a box of Jelly Booberries are eight times the costs for a decent priced Indian buffet. Someone has to supply all those Indian Buffets with the raw materials for Chicken Vindaloo. You, Battle Creek, Michigan can supply those Indian Buffets after the United States helps you understand what a curry is!

crowd applauds wildly, whistling, chanting- 90sec

"So, to you, citizens of Battle Creek, I say 'Let's change! Let's fight! and Let's take back the American stool!'

"Thank you, and good night!"

crowd goes coo coo for cocoa puffs, women faint, men salute- 5min