christmasphobia

occasionally, friends and family accuse me of being a "scrooge"...while i do loathe the silly season- i find this term highly offensive.

in fact, i am a victim...my affliction? christmasphobia.

for example: as a christmasphobe, i believe the impulse to hang lights is not, in fact, celebratory. rather, it is the fat, dumb, american's tendency when his part of the world turns COLD AND DARK. consequently, i am unable to silence christmasphobia's voice inside my head, repeating endlessly:

"christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption."

trying to square this voice with my longing for "fitting in" creates great conflict- conflict rooted in christmasphobia. on several occasions, i have attempted to setup a manger scene in my yard with a plastic mary, joseph and baby jesus, but have failed due to the condition. i retreat into a world of anxiety, driven by the demands of materialism.

society will one day offer "programs" and "assistance" for those of us diagnosed with this malady- a malady of isolation manifested by the scorn of friends and family. when names like "scrooge" get tossed around it undermines not only a singular christmasphobe's confidence and ability to succeed, but that of an ever growing mass of fellow christmasphobes.

it's difficult living with chrismasphobia and society is beginning to recognize that. cutting edge studies are underway to measure this growing disorder. the finest researchers all across our fine academic institutions in this country have undertaken the effort to shine the light of science on christmasphobia's genetics and triggers. academia is our only hope for defining this demographic and eventually getting us the help we so desperately need- help in the form of "programs" and "assistance" in conjunction with pills from the likes of merck and pfizer.

until we know more, please do not rush to conclusions about christmasphobes- we are kind, generous and loving people that just need to be loved.

my vision is that, one day, we will no longer have to hear the "s" word. until then, we have a lot of work to do.