A New Preamble

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Gluttony, insure domestic Oil Dependence, provide for the policing of the world, promote the Welfare state, and secure the Blessings of Excess and Entitlement to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Post It Rant

If you write on a post-it note, you should remove the sheet you write on. This is the design of the post-it note. It is FUNDAMENTAL. If you're keeping a journal, diary, etc, then get a notepad. I get highly annoyed [sic] when I want to use a nearby post-it note, only to find I must remove the top sheet, make my notes on the next sheet, remove that sheet, then replace the top sheet (aka the BULL sheet) so someone else returns to a post-it note stack which appears undisturbed.

So, next time, I'm throwing the top sheet in the shredder, and you'll be on your own to remember to restock on Tuck's Pads when you're at the supermarket.

Checkout

No one ever pays any attention to the light. Go ahead and turn your light off, it won't make any difference, because if there is a clerk scanning groceries, people are going to line up.

What does this tell you? It tells me you should keep that checkout lane open, and it tells you the same thing.

So, take your smoke break after the rush is over- or better yet, skip the smoke break and bring some carts in from the parking lot.

Feckless Gov

The inverse of "too big to fail" is "too small to succeed" which seems to be apropos given what the U.S. government has been up to recently.

This humble blogger suggests that what really needs to fail here is the biggest one of them all, the U.S. government itself. Maybe the "failure v. size" thesis needs some modification?

The self employed are "too small to succeed." Confiscate what they have.
AIG, BofA, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac are "too big to fail." Bail them out.
The U.S. government is "so big it should fail." Nah, start another program.

But seriously, the question must be asked, "who bails out the bailer outters?"

***
Consumer debt EQUALS GDP these days so remarks such as "credit is the lifeblood of the economy" are not entirely accurate. What follows, "we need to get the banks lending again" is also an over simplification. The system currently in place has lead to this malfeasance and it's time for it to stop.

When it does, one would assume gov's confiscations will also stop, and that everyone will get paid under the table. You know, like the drug dealers do.

The drug dealers seem to have built a pretty good distribution network, unencumbered by taxation, while we pay taxes to try and chase them down, to try and incarcerate them. I wonder if the drug dealers are "too big to fail?" I wonder if they will survive the collapse of gov?

Crank of America at $1.50/share? BUY!
DopeCo at $1.75/share? BUY!
Crackie Mac at $2.00/share? BUY!
Methie Mae at $2.25/share? BUY!

***
The operation that was "too small to succeed" will, in fact, flourish, for it is that operation that actually DOES something in this world. Going up and up the hierarchy, where you reach top elected officials, the Wall Street crowd, et al. results in a clueless class that operates solely in abstractions.

The clueless class benefits only if they can maintain the status quo. A status quo that, everywhere you look, seems more and more like a Madoff Ponzi scheme.

Ponzi scheme? I'll give you a Ponzi scheme, it's called Social Security. Social Security is the mother of all bailouts and is also where this is all heading. China will VETO that bailout, and the U.S. will fall.

Let's just get it over with...

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
It's the hap- happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all

Er- what about all the darkness?

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Er- I'm cold.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Holy Smox! Look at the Dude Energy bill for last month!

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Er- what about all the obligations? What about the ridiculous notion that I must spend on material items in order to save face?

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time
It's The Most Wonderful Time
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Er- I'm not sure I see it that way. I mean, spring is really nice, and I like baseball season alot.

You're a "Scrooge!"

Oh no! My Christmasphobia is acting up!

Big Stinky Mess

Recently the talking heads on TV and the man on the street seem to be conveying the idea that the economy is all about the stock market. That, if we can just do something, anything to get the stock market to go UP on a daily basis, then we have ourselves a healthy economy- truly a ridiculous notion.

The bad news is, it's not that easy. The NYSE, NASDAQ, and other trading markets, in and of themselves, are not our "ECONOMY". Rather, they are reactionary indicators of the economic climate. Furthermore, they always lead, which is to say they are short term predictors.

Given that the markets are indicators/predictors, what they are currently telling us is that they believe the good ole USA is BROKE BROKE BROKE! Let's face it, there is a mountain of debt in this country, both public and private, and much of it is unsecured.

So, let's take our medicine this time, as opposed to throwing more unsecured debt at the already unsecured debt. "Taking our medicine" includes letting the automotive industry die, since their products, and the infrastructure we've built around them, are a huge part of our problem.



MMVIII = BAD YEAR

More than Ponies

On a recent excursion through the miserable state of Kentucky, I noticed a sign, posted by said state, promoting the "Kentucky Bourbon Trail". My initial surprise that the sign was unrelated to ponies quickly turned to bewilderment when I contemplated the hypocrisy evident in the "Bourbon Trail" marketecture. On the one hand, Kentucky strictly forbids drinking and driving, on the other, the "Bourbon Trail" is little more than a bunch of hard liquor distilleries clustered along Interstate 64.

Furthermore, this ambiguity exists in the state that was the scene of the nation's worst drunk driving accident.

***

Subsequently, I visited the bourbon trail website and discovered the following logo:



Check it out, it's a cartoonish rendering of a couple bourbon barrels rolling down a highway. What an image!

Continued exploration of the website revealed the following:



That's right, a spelling error! The webmaster is probably loaded on bourbon!

Be careful citizens, the webmaster hops in an automobile and drives home around 5p...

Virtue

Stationary Menace

Stationary bike, you sit there. You offer fitness, sure, but you don't offer it in a "fun" way like the road. No, yours is a silent malevolence. From your corner of the home, passively, you taunt.

You taunt with a web of misery, spun with coldness, darkness, ridiculous heating bills, and worst of all- the silly season.

You will get your 500 miles this winter. But, the Opening Day parade will come again, and a butterfly will spread it's wings and fly (ride). On that glorious occasion you will be forgotten, without an iota of guilt.

Until then, disdain and contempt are yours.

The beginning of sport's most pristine GOOSE EGG

Yesterday, the Cincinnati Bengalberries took the field. To Cliff Blog's great delight, the Bengalberries posted another of their infamous "L"s. This puts the current season record at 0 Wins and 1 Loss.

To make that point crystal clear, here's how many wins the Bengalberries have:

Fifteen more losses, and this team will have reached a MAJOR milestone. A goal never attained in an NFL season- the 0-16 record! After this achievement, they will take their place as the worst professional sports franchise EVER.

C'mon Bengalberries! That first loss was critical, but you've got a lot more losing to do! The tone is set, so don't go screwing this up too!

The spirit of service

Last night, at the beginning of his acceptance speech, Barack Obama thanked several of the DNC's figureheads. Of one of those figureheads, he said the following:

"...to Ted Kennedy, who embodies the spirit of service"

Would Mary Jo Kopechne concur with this viewpoint? If so, the events of July 18, 1969 must have gone something like this:

Mary Jo Kopechne: "Ted, I'd like to die tonight."
Ted Kennedy: "Well Mary Jo, in the 'spirit of service' I will crash this car into the nearest tidal waters and leave you to drown! I'm a 'spirit of service' kinda guy!"

Beijing, you're very clever

Hello, China! We have learned how to pronounce the name of your one horse town- Beijing. We get it. You're very clever.

Now, here's something for you to learn for 2016:

IPA: /Chiˈcaːgo/

Put down your chopsticks, its time for the stuffed crust...

Chocolate Chip Books

For this recipe, you will need:

5 parts inflated expenses
2 parts hidden revenue
Sugar
Butter
Chocolate Chips

Mix together all ingredients. Using a tablespoon, scoop out as many servings as you like onto a cooking sheet. Cook the Books at 350 for a half hour.

Viola! Golden Brown dough in your bank account.

0-16

The 2008 NFL season does not look good for the Cincinnati Bengalberries. But, let's face it, no upcoming season ever looks good for these morons.

Here's hoping the Bengalberries can achieve a milestone never before realized in the NFL- 0 Wins and 16 Losses. The most pristine goose egg sport will have ever seen.

0%

GO FOR IT!

Generica the Hideous

O hideous flourescent signs,
For "add another lane",
For architectural tragedies
Across the strip mall plain!

Generica! Generica!
God turns His face from thee,
And crowns thy bad with waste, called gas
From cheese to Mickey D's!

Shame of the Nation

Time for a list-

"Largest Per Capita Carbon Footprint" according to a study by the Brookings Institute:

1. Lexington-Fayette County.
2. Indianapolis.
3. Cincinnati-Middletown (Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana).
4. Toledo.
5. Louisville (Kentucky-Indiana).
6. Nashville-Davidson-Murfreesboro, Tenn.
7. St. Louis.
8. Oklahoma City.
9. Harrisburg-Carlisle, Pa.
10. Knoxville, Tenn.

Many of the variables leading to any given area's ranking are beyond it's control. However, other variables are clearly under the area's control- primarily, automobile emissions.

4 of the top 5 areas are within a 100mi radius, centered on Cincinnati.

This is appalling and shameful. Us MORONS must be the laughing stock of the country today...and Al Qaeda has probably put us on their MVP list. I can hear UBL now, "Burn that petro, Ohio Valley! Hang yourself in that heavy metal stew!"

The Cliff Blog sincerely apologizes to the rest of the United States for our screwed up way of life here. We are truly pathetic.

A Reds Fan Gets Miffed

The nonsense relative to personnel that is going on in the Reds outfield this Spring has culminated this evening with the Jay Bruce start. Jay Bruce, called up from AAA Louisville yesterday, may be a fantastic player. But, does that mean he starts in centerfield for the Major League club? Over Ryan Freel?

Seems like when Ryan Freel is in the lineup, he makes something good happen with his hustle. His onbase percentage the past three seasons is .371, .363, & .308. So, bumping him for the rookie is bad enough.

But, the shenanigans don't stop there! The manager, Dusty Baker, SERIOUSLY upset the apple cart when he brought his Chicago retreads to town. Hairston and Bako haven't been that bad on the field, Patterson has been despicable. All three retreads have taken playing time from deserving guys that have paid their dues in the Reds' organization, like Norris Hopper, Javier Valentin, and (again) Ryan Freel.

Bumping guys who deserve to play? What has that done to morale? Destroyed it, thats what.

Finally, the bookends- Adam DUM and Griffey Jr. In Junior's case, he has given a legitimate effort and has been the victim of some bad luck. But, with this glut of outfielders, did signing Adam DUM on for a $13 million season make any sense?

The answer: NO. As a matter of fact, none of this makes any sense and the Reds will not be winning many games because of it. What a trainwreck!

BS

The letters "BS" can stand for many things. But, for the purpose of this blog entry, the letters stand for:

Bariatric Surgery

***

This evening, 60minutes ran as usual. The program's 2nd story was with regard to how great! BS is. Dissenting opinion during the piece was minimal at best- limited to one doctor who made the statement that, "Most BS patients go from being obese to simply overweight."

After that, it was on with the fluff: BS can cure Diabetes! BS can cure most types of cancer! BS is what you want! Just can't get enough of that BS!

To top it all off, after the piece ended, CBS ran a commercial for Kentucky Fried Chicken. The commercial firmly cemented the fundamental concepts of BS for all viewers. Across this great nation of consumption, sedentarians simultaneously reached for a bag of pork rinds as they reached a bag of BS conclusions. Those conclusions are postulated here:

+Cease/Do not aspire to any sort of workout routine
+Establish/continue a couch potato/suburban lifestyle
+Start/continue eating copious amounts of "gas station" food

These three simple steps will have viewers on the road to obesity quickly. They will become eligible for BS! And after the BS on 60minutes about the BS, they can reach a level of BS never before imagined. Hallelujah BS!

Why be surprised by this? 60minutes is a TV show after all...and TV is critical to a sedentarian's BS logic.


Achieving this level of BS is somewhat akin to becoming a deity.

***

Thank you, Leslie Stahl, for laying all this BS out there for the Sheeple (Bengalberry and otherwise) of the United States of Dumerica. You've justified our "culture".

At best, the piece was irresponsible- in actuality, it was BS.

A Generation and it's Rockstar Paradox

Consider this image:


Clearly, these "rock and rollers" are past their prime. However, they're still able to turn *more than* a decent buck playing rock and roll.

...thats odd.

Keith Richards has donned some haberdashery for this photo. Ron Wood isn't showing his dentures (some of the others in the photograph should not have shown their dentures either). We're left to assume balding and tooth decay have occurred.

This assumption is not a stretch, we're all getting older afterall. Heres hoping Keith Richards and Ron Wood manage balding and tooth decay at the highest levels.

Some of my favorite people are bald.

You always want to pay a compliment before you tear into someone or a group of someones. Cliff Blog has done it's best in this endeavor.

***

Balding and tooth decay are not the problem here, it happens, and with no discrimination.

No, The Rolling Stones are exemplary of a much deeper problem, that being the baby boomers' reluctance to "move on". Unfortunately, Grace Slick was dead on when she told VH-1's "Behind the Music" that, "all rock-and-rollers over the age of 50 look stupid and should retire."*

It's true.

C'mon baby boomers, aren't you happy enough with the mark your generation left on society? Zoning and bankruptcy...Time to leave the stage.

Terraforming

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away (but you had to drive there anyway because there were no sidewalks) Goldilocks, a dumerican, was out cruising in her SUV.


Goldilocks was looking for a place to call home and during her gas guzzling cruise, she came across three planets.

The first planet had a sign outside that read, "Venus". After stopping at a gas station, Goldilocks cruised all around Venus, but decided it wasn't a suitable place to call home, "This atmosphere is too thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Goldilocks came to a planet with a sign reading, "Mars". Goldilocks filled up her gas tank again, and went cruising, the dumerican way. But, for the second time, she decided this planet would not work, "This place has NO atmosphere!" she lamented.

After another stop at the gas station, Goldilocks decided to try out the third little nugget orbiting around. It's sign read, "Earth" and Goldilocks knew she was home. The planet had SUVs everywhere and a perfect atmosphere.

Goldilocks quickly set herself up with an unsustainable lifestyle and issued all kinds of unsecured, personal debt- the dumerican dream! Most of this unsecured debt was used to purchase gasoline, while simultaneously complaining about gasoline prices.

***

Goldilocks didn't know it, but the Earthlings arranged their planet in political jurisdictions known as countries. At one time there was a sole country known as a "superpower". This country was called "Dumerica" and it's people lived to consume, showing no inclination toward rational efficiencies.

Eventually, Dumerica "exported" it's "culture" to the other countries. As Goldilocks' time on Earth continued, she started to notice the atmosphere was getting thicker, and trapping heat. It's atmosphere was eventually going to wind up like that of Venus, which was uninhabitable.

***

Goldilocks could still remember Venus and Mars, and thats when she had an idea:

"What if we put strip malls and low density, automobile-centric developments on Mars?" she wondered. "Wouldn't this invite Dumericans and their SUVs to drive around that planet too? Wouldn't it's atmosphere thicken, terraforming it, and wouldn't it become an ideal place for the SUV lifestyle? Much as Earth once was?"

Goldilocks was able to ignore the lost productivity of the Dumericans, as they lined their SUVs up burning gasoline and thickening the atmosphere while travelling nowhere.

She was also able to ignore things like water runoff from all of the pavement the Dumericans put down to accomodate this inefficient mode of transportation.

And, finally, she ignored the sedentary nature of the Dumericans- rolling around in their SUVs required little personal energy. As the Dumericans ballooned in size and faced an obesity epidemic, all that really mattered was more consumption.

Goldilocks contacted the new office of interplanetary sprawl at Wal-Mart. The two of them stopped by the gas station, then headed on up to Mars to begin construction of the first strip mall.

THE END