Thursday, December 16, 2010

A New Preamble

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Gluttony, insure domestic Oil Dependence, provide for the policing of the world, promote the Welfare state, and secure the Blessings of Excess and Entitlement to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Grocery Strategy


+NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the grocery on the 1st or 15th of the month.

+Upon entering the grocery, head directly to the deli (if deli items are desired and there isn't one of them new fangled computer deli ordering doodads up front). It's possible you will find NO ONE in line and can get your items quickly. Afterward, you can double back to the produce section.

+Go ahead and walk the entire store, every aisle, unless you're on a beer run. Otherwise, there's no reason to turn into "provisions commando," targeting only those items in your head. Go through each aisle, methodically, it might jog your memory about something you need. For instance, the pet food aisle might remind you that you have a dog.

+Go to the grocery on a regular basis, so that you can stock your pantry. If a snow storm or some other hazard comes about, you'll be ready. You can even skip occasions when everyone else is going bonkers because someone 80miles away saw a snowflake.

+When approaching the check out lanes, you may as well be trying to read tea leaves relative to which lane will get you out of there the quickest. Clearly, you should obey the express lane rules. Other than that, the only advice here is that if you have alcohol in your cart, look for a lane with an older scanner. Otherwise, you can wind up with a teenybopper that needs to call in a senior scanner for your booze, which can hold things up.

+Times change, and apparently, those that take the store up on "paper or plastic"? are now oucasts. If you want to avoid the dirty looks, better get on the politically correct train to owning your own (reusable) grocery bags.