Pigeons are at it again

This is just despicable. This photo debunks the idea that bird droppings are random. For crying out loud! Look at that pigeon! It has intent and clearly knows what it's doing.

...and, as if that wasn't bad enough- children? C'mon!

I can no longer look the other way on the statue defecation, but I can look the other way when the Bengalberry stadium is concerned. A blog must stay consistent, afterall.

Somehow, this little boy must be avenged, Bengalberry fans excepted.

Maybe Next Year

It's over. The hopes for an 0-16 Bengalberry season were ruined today by a Bengalberry victory over the Jacksonville Jaguars. An 0-16 season could have opened the door to the conclusion amongst the general population that Cincinnati needs a Bengalberryectomy. The conclusion that those of us on the "fringe" have already, and rightly, reached.

Thanks Jacksonville, you have crushed the dream.

The morons who purchase the Bengalberry tickets/gear are reveling. They believe something glorious has happened, that some great accomplishment has occurred. All over the riverfront today, they could be seen hootin and hollerin in their ridiculous ($$$) apparel, oblivious to fact that they have been swindled.

They do not represent the true Cincinnatian, who laments the swindle, who wishes it could be undone and who so desperately desires to see the franchise moved to Los Angeles.

Crazy 8

In 1986, Bon Jovi released their "Slippery When Wet" album. The second song from that album was "Livin on a Prayer" which contained the lyrics-

O we're halfway there,
O we're livin on a prayer

It's almost as if the band had a vision about the 2008 Bengalberries. At this point, they stand at 0-8 in a quest for 0-16, halfway there!

Some good things have been happening down at the Bengalberry palace.

First of all, the head drunk, Chris Henry has returned to the fold. This can only help in the 0-16 quest. Reports are that, at times, Mr. Henry sees more than one football due to his inebriation.

Secondly, it seems the Bengalberry quarterback has been removed from contention for the remainder of the season. This is excellent news. Carson Palmer appears to have some circuits firing at times- even enough circuits to pull out a "W" and ruin the season.

Thirdly, the Bengalberries lost to the Texans. This is great news! This was one of the games on the schedule that you looked at and thought, "how are they going to lose that one?" Well, they did it! Fantastic!

Finally, as we look at the second half of the season, the final game seems to present a problem. It is against the KC Chiefs, who are pretty bad. If the Bengalberries enter that game at 0-15, the pressure will be on.

So, from Birthright Mikey's point of view,

We've got to hold on to what we've got
Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we win it or not
We've got public dough, and thats a lot.

Somebody pour Chris Henry a shot

O we're halfway there,
O we're livin on a prayer,
O we don't care

Dallas

This week's answer to the burning query- "Who Dey?"

Who Dey?

This time of year, the sheeple following the Cincinnati Bengalberries can often be heard asking the question, "Who Dey?"

It seems the answer- "just about every football team past, present, and future" is not adequate, the question persists. Therefore, a more specific, and graphical representation (some of our Bengalberry friends have difficulty reading) will be employed here.

"Dey" currently are:





C'mon Brownies! Give number 4 will ya? Theres a lot of losing left for this season.

The beginning of sport's most pristine GOOSE EGG

Yesterday, the Cincinnati Bengalberries took the field. To Cliff Blog's great delight, the Bengalberries posted another of their infamous "L"s. This puts the current season record at 0 Wins and 1 Loss.

To make that point crystal clear, here's how many wins the Bengalberries have:

Fifteen more losses, and this team will have reached a MAJOR milestone. A goal never attained in an NFL season- the 0-16 record! After this achievement, they will take their place as the worst professional sports franchise EVER.

C'mon Bengalberries! That first loss was critical, but you've got a lot more losing to do! The tone is set, so don't go screwing this up too!

Tonight on the Beaner Network...

Be sure to tune in for an exciting evening of programming on the Beaner Network:

19:00 "Debits"

Join hostess Allison Telford-Machinette for an exploration of the fascinating world of debits.

20:00 "Credits"

Join host Johnny Ricardo for a scintillating examination of the world of credits. Filmed before a live studio audience!

21:00 "General Ledger"

The critically acclaimed drama in it's 70th season. A must see.

22:00 "Beaner Smackdown"

Hand to hand combat between some of America's most vicious tax accountants and auditors.

23:00 "Balancing and Totaling"

Finish your evening with a round table discussion on today's cutting edge balancing and totaling techniques. Past topics have included:

+"Adding Machines"
+"March and April are a drag"
+"Looks like a Breach of Fiduciary Duty to me!"
+"Mortgages: Whoops!"
+"E-filing: making confiscation easy"
+"The evils of cash transactions" and,
+"Bengalberry Palace/Red Ink: Clifton, we have a problem"

Boyfriends

Wow! I didn't realize it had gotten this bad in the world of Bengalberrydom.

You know you want to lay that goose egg (0-16) Bengalberries.

0-16

The 2008 NFL season does not look good for the Cincinnati Bengalberries. But, let's face it, no upcoming season ever looks good for these morons.

Here's hoping the Bengalberries can achieve a milestone never before realized in the NFL- 0 Wins and 16 Losses. The most pristine goose egg sport will have ever seen.

0%

GO FOR IT!

Ohio's Scarlet Letter and Bengalberries

Ohio DUI tags with a Bengalberry cover:



Coincidence? No: Cause & Effect.

The Bengalberries are up to something

This photo, shot earlier today, clearly shows the beginning of some sort of project in the Bengalberry practice area.

We have already built the Bengalberries a natural turf practice field, as well as a synthetic one. These different surfaces are supposed to help the Bengalberries prepare for any given week's opponent. Theoretically, if they're going on the road to play on a natural turf field, then they would practice on their natural turf practice field. We were sold this logic along with the Bengalberry stadium itself, under the guise that it would make the Bengalberries more competitive.

They also have their main field, inside the Bengalberry stadium. So, that's THREE total "gridirons" we have built for the Bengalberries. Could the construction in the photo be a FOURTH? Probably not, but with the County/Bengalberry lovefest in place, anything is possible.

Or, could it be some sort of Bengalberry detention center? For instance, if the police find a drunk Bengalberry up to his usual shenanigans, maybe he would be incarcerated here in this future facility? A shelter for wayward Bengalberries? Where they are rehabbed and then released back into the wild?

Or, could it be some sort of mansion for Bob Bengalhaus? Bob doesn't like his commute, the gasoline is killing him, so he'll just live in this detached palace and work in the main palace.

Or, maybe it's some sort of Bengalberry food court?

Or, could it be a Bengalberry brewery? This is the odds on favorite...neither the Miller nor the Budweiser breweries can reach the production/delivery levels required to keep up with the consumption of the Bengalberries. Therefore, if we establish a Bengalberry Microbrewery on the premises, we eliminate a large part of the logistical nightmare of getting the Bengalberries their beer.


At the Microbrewery Bengalberries can choose from:
+Big Bad Bengalberry Ale
+Bengalberry Booty Light
+Bengalberry Brown Clown
+RasBengalberry Tootie Frootie Genuine Draft
+and the best seller, Bengalberry Malt Liquor (Chris Henry testimonial, "Works everytime- throws up smooth...")

A Bengalberry Meditation

Bengalberry Bengalberry
You seem a little harried,
My dear Bengalberry.


Bengalberry Bengalberry
You're so very contrary,
My dear Bengalberry...

Bengalberry Bengalberry
Your devoted, tailgating morons
Are what's really scary...


ugh

The Los Angeles Bengalberries

Los Angeles, California

In 1995, the NFL franchises known as the Raiders and the Rams both moved OUT of Los Angeles. Since then, the country's 2nd largest market has been without an NFL franchise.

At that time, other NFL teams (most notably the Cincinnati Bengalberries) used the vacant Los Angeles market, in combination with their monopolies, as leverage for various publicly subsidized goodies in their own markets. Unfortunately, the biggest sprawl monger to ever drive his SUV around the endless, automobile-centric CRAP in Hamilton County, Bob Bengalhaus- fell for it hook line and sinker.

Is it too late for us to send the Bengalberries to Los Angeles? A deal could work like this:

+Los Angeles assumes some (hopefully all) of the financial commitments made to the Bengalberries by Hamilton County and Bob Bengalhaus.
+Los Angeles also agrees to put the Bengalberries in some sort of stadium, out there, as far from Cincinnati as possible. Possibly the LA Coliseum could be repaired/used for the Bengalberries. Hamilton County would have nothing to do with wherever the Bengalberries are going to play "out there."
+Hamilton County, with a lowered financial commitment to these LOSERS*, uses these funds to create a world class mass transit system. A system that would move the local hillbillies and trailer trash around the area much more efficiently than their current,
"parking garage/gridlock/add lanes/REPEAT" system.
+Hamilton County also rids itself from the constant, embarrassing, "Drunk Bengalberry in Trouble" background noise that turns up in the paper year round.
+Paul Brown Stadium is renamed "The People's Stadium" and is used for events for the people.
+"Tail Gating" aka selective enforcement of open container laws, ceases. Sundays become safer year round, since concentrated drunkenness on the riverfront has also ceased.

This is an excellent plan. Let's urge our current commissioners to start the dialog with their counterparts in LA.

*They are LOSERS in every sense of the word because that's what they do: LOSE.

This is Jeopardy!

Mr. Trebek: The category for Final Jeopardy is "LOSERS". We'll be back with the answer after these messages.

[kooky music]
[car advertisements]

Mr. Trebek: The category is "LOSERS". Here's the Final Jeopardy answer- Cleveland Browns, Seattle Seahawks, New England Patriots, & Kansas City Chiefs. Remember to phrase your response as a question. Good Luck.

[kooky music :30]

Mr. Trebek: Let's see what Cliftonite put down.
Cliftonite: Who dey?

Yeehaw! Why am I stupid?

Here we have an individual that came to the Brad Paisley concert. After the show, in the parking lot, he loads up his semi automatic and accidentally shoots himself in the foot.

This is NOT made up.

Why is this individual stupid? Because he shot himself in the foot? Or, because he attended a Brad Paisley concert? Bear in mind, Kountry music represents the worst of the United States.

This blog suggests his real crime is against humanity. Jeffrey Longfellow of Nicholasville, KY should be treated for the injury to his foot. He should be CHARGED with "poor musical judgement" for attending this concert.

Had he actually shot Brad Paisley, Jeffrey Longfellow should have been given an award. Possibly this was his intent when he loaded the gun- as in, "Crap! Why did I attend this show? I must take action and prevent others from listening to this garbage/attending these musically void concerts! I will assassinate Brad Paisley!"

So, how do we determine the intent of Mr. Longfellow in loading the gun? Simple, we obtain a warrant to search for Bengalberry paraphernalia. If the authorities find any Bengalberry items in Mr. Longfellow's possession, then they know he is stupid. Conversely, a lack of Bengalberry paraphernalia, and he must have known what he was doing. Award the man the key to the city.

The Emporer Has No Clothes

As hordes of drunken Bengalberries converge on Cincinnati this evening, they will no doubt pass outdoor advertisements like this one depicting a drunk Bengalberry, in full regalia, and his apparent beverage of choice. Those of us firmly in the "Hey wait, we're getting screwed here" camp are left to wonder: is Budweiser touting their status as the primary cause of drunken Bengalberry-dom? And what is this "carefully crafted tradition?" LOSING?

***

In 1837, Hans Christian Andersen penned the story titled "The Emporer's New Clothes." In it, SWINDLERS convince a ruler (the emporer) they have created the finest fabric, but that the fabric is invisible to anyone who is stupid.

The emporer himself cannot see the fabric, but allows himself to be dressed in the fabric anyway to avoid being labeled "stupid." The TOWNSPEOPLE can't see the fabric either, but pretend as if they can, to avoid the same label.

Eventually, a child declares, "But [the emporer] has nothing on!"

***

Present day Cincinnati is an analogy of this story. The SWINDLERS- The Bengalberries themselves, Birthright Mikey Brown & his family, along with Bob Bengalhaus. The EMPORER(S)- Hamilton County elected officials of 1996, and the TOWNSPEOPLE- the majority of the residents of the Greater Cincinnati area.

It is so obvious our subsidy of these goons is a failure. Paying for tickets and attending this nonsense is tantamount to looking at a naked emporer and acting as if he's clothed.

GO PATRIOTS.

Communique to area Pigeons

Mr. Pigeon Commander- SUCCESS is ours!

Birthright Mikey Brown and Bob Bengalhaus are not happy with your fleet's actions. They are concerned about you and your brethren's "pooping" on Bengalberries at the publicly subsidized stadium.

Mr. Pigeon Commander, we applaud your unit's work, however, Birthright Mikey Brown seeks approval for violence in an effort to eliminate you along with your brethren. By his philosophy, when you poop on Bengalberries he loses money. Crazy, the guy has got plenty of money, but thats beside the point, you, although strange bedfellows with us, have the same objective: poop on Bengalberries. Like yourself, we feel thugs and their followers are not wild about poop in their hair and on their fancy Bengalberry apparel.

Now, here's the plan: Birthright Mikey Brown can trot out and fire his rifles BEFORE the game, however, there's NO WAY he's gonna use em once the Bengalberries begin filing into the Bengalberry stadium (which, by the way, was HEAVILY subsidized by Hamilton County taxpayers- to an intolerable degree).

So, what you do is, fly across the river to KENTUCKY. Take the ENTIRE fleet. We trust you have the hierarchy to communicate this message throughout the pigeon community.

Once you're safely in KENTUCKY, poop on everything you see.

Immediately after kickoff at the Bengalberry stadium, return to the rafters there and resume pooping on Bengalberries (many of which are actually KENTUCKIANS- it just gets weirder).

Godspeed,

Your human counterparts

Real Men of (Notso) Genius

Today we salute you- Mr. Bengalberry Jersey Wearer
-MR. BENGALBERRY JERSEY WEARER!

Your NFL franchise, in conjunction with a spurious County Commissioner, financially bilked your community
-WHAT TIME DOES TAILGATING START?

You eschew common clothing trends and put on colors more suitable for children
-9AM IS PERFECT TO START DRINKING!

You paid a 250% markup on the garment
-BUT HEY! IT'S OFFICIALLY LICENSED!

Your beloved Bengalberries have only had one winning season in the past 16yrs
-LUV ME SOME OCHO CINCO! WHO DEY?

"DEY" are the brutal thugs who abuse women, brandish firearms, and can't spell
-BUT IT'S FUN TO SCREAM WHEN I'M LOADED!

So, heres to you, Mr. Bengalberry Jersey Wearer- ignorance is bliss...
-SURE I CAN DRIVE HOME!

commission to avoid acting like sheeple, cincinnati, OHIO

drunk bengalberries in space

[the chris henry crib- a phone rings]

henry: yo
thurman: duh, i'm off the team.
henry: it's cool bro, this bengalberry has a plan.
thurman: duh, plan?
henry: we gonna apply to NASA! they party all the time at NASA!
thurman: der, yeah! i'll come pick you up!
henry: bring the 40s.

[click]

blogger's note: in an effort to keep this blog rated G, certain flamboyant language was omitted from this *not so* fictitious conversation.