Destiny in Battle Creek
Recently, Barack Hussein Obama gave another one of his electrifying speeches- this time in Battle Creek, MI. He was no doubt catering to the sugar cereal lobby during the speech. The Cliff Blog has obtained a transcript of the speech and it is reprinted here:
"Heeeelllooooooo! Cereal City!"
"Ladies and gentlemen of Battle Creek- I come to you tonight to report things are not well in our great country. That the economy is a shambles, that costs are up, and that some people are finicky eaters.
"This is the bad news, but I want to assure you, that together, we can take the steps necessary and enact change in our great country.
"It starts with ending our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'. All of us, need to reach out, and try new flavors and textures.
"For instance, I met a man in Birmingham, Obama, er, Alabama that wouldn't eat anything green (except for a bowl of Green Apple PebblyPuffs) and he adamantly said to me:
'If it's not a bowl of sugar cereal, or it doesn't go "moo moo" or "oink oink" I ain't eating it!'
"This same man professed his love for Sugar Smacks, CoCo Crispberrycruchies, and Choco-Marshmallowarifics- all produced here, in Battle Creek. He also mentioned consuming copious volumes of Cheetos and incidentally, he was around 5'10" and weighed 350lbs.
"My opponent knows this exact same truth: that the junk food diet of the USA is killing us. But, his solution is to close down Battle Creek. To close the Frosted Diddlies factory, to close the Fruity Nut Explosions plant, and finally, to kill Count Chocula himself!
"But, citizens of Battle Creek, Michigan- I stand before you to report that this approach is not the answer. That my opponent is misguided and wrong.
"No, Battle Creek, I want to retrain the sugar cereal industry here, creating vouchers for retraining programs! We can put people to work and create jobs right here in Battle Creek! People can work to create foods that Americans will have to try if we're going to end our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'!
"The citizens of Battle Creek are too intelligent and can work producing flavorful dishes such as sushi and side items such as steamed broccoli! That the citizens of Battle Creek can create minced onion, the building blocks for Thai food, and spinach for the stuffed crust pies of Chicago, Illinois! Which, by the way, is a redneck town filled with a bunch of losers.
"The production costs for a box of Jelly Booberries are eight times the costs for a decent priced Indian buffet. Someone has to supply all those Indian Buffets with the raw materials for Chicken Vindaloo. You, Battle Creek, Michigan can supply those Indian Buffets after the United States helps you understand what a curry is!
"So, to you, citizens of Battle Creek, I say 'Let's change! Let's fight! and Let's take back the American stool!'
"Thank you, and good night!"
2 comments:
You certainly have alot of XTRA time on your hands since your tragic accident. Nevertheless, you are definately entertaining!!!
As part of the Obamanation, I take great umbrage at your rant. I agree with gentle anonymous commentor who thinks that you have way to much time upon your hands. Hands I may add that seek to usurp the government of this great nation. Oh sarcastic blogger, we enjoy that you seek to take up your cause in the blogosphere. A place where your anonymity becomes a shroud to cover your great discontent. It is that very discontent that has put a great man like Senator Obama in the position to lead this great country. People such as yourself would seek to make this race about the lack of sustainable economic resources in this country, having a strong woman as a wife or being unafraid to speak out against the current status quo. There are some that would harass our anointed one as being to inexperienced to lead or too radical to create a coalition of the willing. To that we say, give us liberty or give us death. What you mock as serial rhetoric, we celebrate as a breath of fresh air.
Join the revolution, Cliftonite. To deny the movement is to deny the very liberty for which your forefathers yearned.
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