Destiny in Battle Creek

Recently, Barack Hussein Obama gave another one of his electrifying speeches- this time in Battle Creek, MI. He was no doubt catering to the sugar cereal lobby during the speech. The Cliff Blog has obtained a transcript of the speech and it is reprinted here:

"Heeeelllooooooo! Cereal City!"

crowd applauds wildly- 90sec

"Ladies and gentlemen of Battle Creek- I come to you tonight to report things are not well in our great country. That the economy is a shambles, that costs are up, and that some people are finicky eaters.

"This is the bad news, but I want to assure you, that together, we can take the steps necessary and enact change in our great country.

crowd applauds- 30sec

"It starts with ending our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'. All of us, need to reach out, and try new flavors and textures.

"For instance, I met a man in Birmingham, Obama, er, Alabama that wouldn't eat anything green (except for a bowl of Green Apple PebblyPuffs) and he adamantly said to me:

'If it's not a bowl of sugar cereal, or it doesn't go "moo moo" or "oink oink" I ain't eating it!'

"This same man professed his love for Sugar Smacks, CoCo Crispberrycruchies, and Choco-Marshmallowarifics- all produced here, in Battle Creek. He also mentioned consuming copious volumes of Cheetos and incidentally, he was around 5'10" and weighed 350lbs.

crowd becomes restless

"My opponent knows this exact same truth: that the junk food diet of the USA is killing us. But, his solution is to close down Battle Creek. To close the Frosted Diddlies factory, to close the Fruity Nut Explosions plant, and finally, to kill Count Chocula himself!

crowd boos

"But, citizens of Battle Creek, Michigan- I stand before you to report that this approach is not the answer. That my opponent is misguided and wrong.

crowd's ears perk up

"No, Battle Creek, I want to retrain the sugar cereal industry here, creating vouchers for retraining programs! We can put people to work and create jobs right here in Battle Creek! People can work to create foods that Americans will have to try if we're going to end our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'!

crowd senses a handout and begins cheering again

"The citizens of Battle Creek are too intelligent and can work producing flavorful dishes such as sushi and side items such as steamed broccoli! That the citizens of Battle Creek can create minced onion, the building blocks for Thai food, and spinach for the stuffed crust pies of Chicago, Illinois! Which, by the way, is a redneck town filled with a bunch of losers.

crowd applauds wildly- 60sec

"The production costs for a box of Jelly Booberries are eight times the costs for a decent priced Indian buffet. Someone has to supply all those Indian Buffets with the raw materials for Chicken Vindaloo. You, Battle Creek, Michigan can supply those Indian Buffets after the United States helps you understand what a curry is!

crowd applauds wildly, whistling, chanting- 90sec

"So, to you, citizens of Battle Creek, I say 'Let's change! Let's fight! and Let's take back the American stool!'

"Thank you, and good night!"

crowd goes coo coo for cocoa puffs, women faint, men salute- 5min

Tonight on the Beaner Network...

Be sure to tune in for an exciting evening of programming on the Beaner Network:

19:00 "Debits"

Join hostess Allison Telford-Machinette for an exploration of the fascinating world of debits.

20:00 "Credits"

Join host Johnny Ricardo for a scintillating examination of the world of credits. Filmed before a live studio audience!

21:00 "General Ledger"

The critically acclaimed drama in it's 70th season. A must see.

22:00 "Beaner Smackdown"

Hand to hand combat between some of America's most vicious tax accountants and auditors.

23:00 "Balancing and Totaling"

Finish your evening with a round table discussion on today's cutting edge balancing and totaling techniques. Past topics have included:

+"Adding Machines"
+"March and April are a drag"
+"Looks like a Breach of Fiduciary Duty to me!"
+"Mortgages: Whoops!"
+"E-filing: making confiscation easy"
+"The evils of cash transactions" and,
+"Bengalberry Palace/Red Ink: Clifton, we have a problem"

Another paradox of adulthood

When I go to the store, I keep forgetting to pick up my memory pills.

Bubbles

The boom and bust cycle presently has the US economy in a bust. This time it's the "subprime mortgage crisis". Oh no! a "subprime mortgage crisis"! We're all gonna die!

The truth is, these booms and busts come and they go. The bubble before this one was the "internet/venture capital crisis". What happens is, a good idea comes around, but buying into the idea gets out of control.

That doesn't mean I'm too happy with letting the subprimers off the hook, while I continue to honor the deal I made with the bank...oh well.

In any event, the Internet was/is a great innovation. Home ownership was/is a great source of wealth. That shouldn't lead to the mania seen in both booms and busts. The problems started when the charlatans got in on the act. Anyone that got burned by them has only themselves to blame.

But a charlatan stays on the move, and he already is laying the foundation for the next bubble. Want to know what it is?

The "green" bubble.

***

A graphical representation of recent bubbles might look like this:

Internet (2000) ---> Mortgage (2007) ---> Green (2014?)

We're going to lower our expenses so much by going green! Buy, buy, buy!

Again, going green is generally a good idea. Do it where appropriate, but don't fret when that bubble goes by the boards too, in around 5- 7 years.

***

A charlatan has to say one step ahead. A good charlatan is probably already working on plans for just after the "green crisis".

But, he will be hard pressed to avoid "THE BIG ONE". The mother of all bubbles, which has been building for generations and will be the ultimate financial collapse-

The Social Security Bubble

Thank You to the framers for creating one of the greatest societies the planet has ever known. But, even your great wisdom could not see this far into the future:

To the robber barons who eventually found a small crack,
Patted each other on the back,
And ruined it for everyone.

Have a nice day.

Chocolate Chip Books

For this recipe, you will need:

5 parts inflated expenses
2 parts hidden revenue
Sugar
Butter
Chocolate Chips

Mix together all ingredients. Using a tablespoon, scoop out as many servings as you like onto a cooking sheet. Cook the Books at 350 for a half hour.

Viola! Golden Brown dough in your bank account.

Boyfriends

Wow! I didn't realize it had gotten this bad in the world of Bengalberrydom.

You know you want to lay that goose egg (0-16) Bengalberries.

Wipeout!

In 2007, at the Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA slipped and fell during the evening gown competition:

In an extreme case of deja vu, it happened again in 2008!



The contestants must be thinking, "Crap! I'll never win now!" But, they have to act like, "That didn't happen, nobody saw that."

For the average Joe (blogger) the expressions and actions following the slips are hard to watch. The slips themselves are hysterical.

Silversun Pickups- Lazy Eye

A new favorite song



It seems the Pumpkins have been out-Pumpkined

King of Pain

A malevolent supernatural descends. The supernatural is pain, and it's goal is to manifest itself in the flesh of mankind, individually and collectively. It is looking for an opening.

It swirls and rushes, like the winds themselves, throughout what mankind can perceive of his universe. Until it finds an opening- a small negligence here or decrepitude there.

Small negligence, a thin layer of silt scattered on Rose St. A bicyclist had better not turn here, all friction will be lost and, like that, a large portion of skin is removed. Removed for several layers, exposing live tissue to the air. Pain reveals itself.

Decrepitude, such as receding gums. The periosadist awaits and inflicts his own brand. He is a tool for pain.

The winds rush on, and pain reveals yet another tactic, that of the freakish. *Snap* and ankle in rehab.

At one time, left and right podiatry, now replaced by left and right crutches, accompanied by the malevolent supernatural known as pain (unwelcome visitor).

KY rebrands

From a recent speech by Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear:

"Citizens of the Commonwealth, we have got to do something about all these ponies all over the place. We've put the pony on the KY quarter, we've put the pony on the license plates, we've painted pony murals throughout our great commonwealth, we've built the pony park, commissioned statues of ponies, and we have the pony games.

"I mean, let's face it, the derby is only 2minutes long! And it goes down in a one horse town!

"What's next? Are we going to put Mr. Ed on the state flag?

"But seriously, the rest of the country is beginning to think our state IS a one trick pony. So, it's time to pony up and play on some of our other notorieties.

"Therefore, I unilaterally announce the changing of our license plates, beginning in 2009:

"Let freedom ring! If you don't like 2nd hand smoke, don't go out in KY! It's all about freedom!

"Thank you *cough cough* and goodnight."