Monday, July 2, 2007

couch potatoes

abc is pitching the following tv show:

JPAC

the show is about getting healthy through exercise and diet. but, the following text is from the show's website:

"That's why exercise is an important part of your game plan to get healthier. And you have two goals: First, just be more active. TURN OFF THE TV, put down the video-game controller, walk away from the computer. Almost anything you do on your feet will burn more calories than any of those! Second, add exercise to your day by scheduling yourself a good daily workout."

does the text, "TURN OFF THE TV" seem a little hypocritical here? this is a TV show abc is attempting to get us to watch, with a theme of "TURN OFF THE TV". hello stupid?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

cholesterol prayer

O HDL,
Thou art supreme and beneficent.
Thou will shall we follow,
Throughout our days,
Mercifully granted by thou.

Increase thyself within our arteries,
And forgive us for all those pizzas,
And chili, burritos, omelets, burgers, fried fish, etc, etc.
Help us to find and enjoy rabbit food.

Banish the evil one, LDL, to below 100.

May we one day reach your kingdom of health...

AMEN

Monday, June 18, 2007

dirty laundry

Steve says:
im not intending to make what you believe is my usual big deal about things, but...
Steve says:
did you really believe the garage door automatically closes?
Steve says:
or did you just say that to get me out of the garage last night?
Sally says:
seriously?
Steve says:
yes
Sally says:
Joe, the apartment manager told me if the doors stay open too long...they will automatically close
Steve says:
this morning you said it would still be open from last night
Steve says:
?
Sally says:
on the phone
Sally says:
scheduling a fundraiser
Steve says:
take your time
Sally says:
I was hoping for the best this morning
Sally says:
I know the guy that drives the white car leaves about 7am
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
what time did i leave this morning?
Sally says:
7:30ish
Sally says:
why?
Steve says:
thats about 15 minutes longer than the door would have stayed open
Steve says:
this is silly
Sally says:
yes it is silly
Sally says:
I don't understand what's gotten into you
Sally says:
what is this about, Steve?
Steve says:
im concerned
Steve says:
we can talk about it later
Sally says:
I'd rather talk about it now
Steve says:
between the conversation about your medicine while walking last week
Steve says:
and everything youve told me about your mother
Steve says:
im concerned you may lie to me about little things
Steve says:
for no good reason
Steve says:
and then never admit it
Sally says:
I can't believe this
Sally says:
I can't tell you how much you've just hurt me
Sally says:
I can't talk about this like this, though
Steve says:
the white car, by the way, was still in there
Steve says:
so the garage wasnt open because he left
Steve says:
how would you even know what time the white car left every morning?
Steve says:
?
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
ignore me
Steve says:
perfect
Sally says:
I just tried calling you
Sally says:
Steve?
Sally says:
what's going on? are you ignoring me now?
Steve says:
we can talk later
Sally says:
well, I would rather not spend the rest of the day tied up in knots, Steve
Steve says:
i dont know what more can be said
Sally says:
what does that mean?
Steve says:
i feel uncomfortable in the true sense
Steve says:
i feel strongly about what i said
Steve says:
if you are going to maintain your position
Steve says:
there is nothing more to be said
Steve says:
continue to ignore me and then be available at your convenience
Sally says:
I'm not ignoring you
Sally says:
I don't know how to respond to that
Sally says:
If you really feel this way about me though...I find it hard to believe that you could want to be with me
Sally says:
should I assume that I am correct?
Steve says:
chalk it up to another misunderstanding by an overly sensitive man
Steve says:
if you lie to me about little things
Steve says:
and then continue to maintain that lie
Steve says:
allowing me to feel uncomfortable
Steve says:
instead of relieving me
Steve says:
youre correct
Sally says:
I don't know what the solution is here, Steve
Sally says:
I don't lie to you
Sally says:
But if you are always going to think that....I don't know what to do
Sally says:
I just don't understand why it wouldn't cross your mind that I just might be wrong
Sally says:
instead I'm lying to you
Sally says:
I don't know what I did to make you distrust me the way you do.....but regardless of how much you love me and I love you...we have no future if you don't trust me
Steve says:
ok
Sally says:
ok?
Steve says:
your right
Steve says:
we have no future if I don't trust you
Steve says:
how were you wrong?
Steve says:
that crossed my mind
Steve says:
but how were you wrong?
Sally says:
so where does that leave us?
Sally says:
I must have been wrong about the garage door closing after 15 mins
Steve says:
how so?
Sally says:
well, it wasn't closed
Steve says:
wrong, because thats not what you were told?
Sally says:
no
Sally says:
because it wasn't closed
Steve says:
so, joe is wrong\
Sally says:
I probably just misunderstood him
Sally says:
he told me that when I first moved in
Sally says:
maybe it only happens in the winter time
Sally says:
I don't know
Sally says:
but I have left my garage door open and it has been closed when I've come back
Sally says:
this was last year when I actually used it
Sally says:
now, if it was automatic or the guy in the white car closed it
Sally says:
I don't know
Sally says:
I'm just completely blown away that you would think I would lie to you about a stupid garage door
Steve says:
how would you even know when the white car leaves?
Steve says:
its maddening
Sally says:
and that I just wouldn't be wrong about it
Steve says:
theres been too many little things
Steve says:
kept from me
Sally says:
because when I worked on the campaign...I would leave about 7:30am
Sally says:
and his car was always gone
Sally says:
that was last year though
Sally says:
and I only parked in the garage...on a regular basis....for a few months
Sally says:
are you there?
Sally says:
are you finished with this conversation?
Steve says:
im here
Steve says:
like most of our conversation, i dont know where to go from here
Steve says:
like most things, i most concede
Steve says:
or risk looking further like a paranoid schizophrenic
Steve says:
whereas you are always unscathed somehow
Sally says:
Steve, you don't have to do anything
Sally says:
and I don't know how I come out of these situations unscathed
Steve says:
youre faultless
Steve says:
its always my misunderstanding
Sally says:
I'm the one that feels untrusted
Sally says:
I'm not saying I'm faultless
Sally says:
I was wrong about the damned garage door
Sally says:
but what more do you want than that?
Sally says:
I was worng
Sally says:
wrong
Steve says:
i want what i feel like is the truth
Steve says:
without it we are nothing
Sally says:
well, I'm sorry you don't feel like you get the truth from me
Sally says:
but I am telling you the truth
Sally says:
I don't lie to you

Sunday, June 17, 2007

fist bump

over the past 5 or 6yrs, ive become a germophobe. the dénouement in this transformation occurred when renephew coughed up a batch of ebola virus on a slice of pizza i was eating. from that point on, ive been "germ dodgin".

one way to pick up a nice batch of germs is to carry on with one of our society's daily conventions- the handshake. somewhere, the biggest germ that ever crawled the galaxy is thinking, "hooray for the handshake, my modus operandi!"

but, when someone extends his hand to complete this physical cliche, can a germophobe, even politely, decline?

not without snubbing the handshaker. and maybe the handshaker is someone the germophobe needs to keep around. so, the germophobe handshakes away, then looks to get into the can and wash up. what a conundrum.

enter the fist bump. this blogger hopes and prays that the fist bump replaces the handshake forevermore. for the stodgy set (luddites without feed readers, tone dialing, or internet access;) that insist on the handshake, cliftonite is backwards compatible.

and for those of you that have reached a higher level of enlightenment:

JPAC

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

doctor doctor gimme the news

here's an item that ran on enquirer.com today:

GREEN TWP. - A female motorist passed out and crashed into a doctor's office this morning, a Hamilton County dispatcher said.

An ambulance was sent to the scene at 3248 Westbourne Drive, she said.

The driver crashed her car into the building about 10:45 a.m.

Late this afternoon, Green Township firefighters were reporting no serious injuries.

***

now, i'll refrain from how idotic "passing out and crashing into a building" sounds. i don't think we're getting the whole story there, but- whatever.

no, my real issue is the 2nd paragraph, "An ambulance was sent to the scene..."

you gotta be kidding...it's a DOCTOR'S OFFICE! can't one of the "white coated ones" come up front and stitch up this chick?

also, i realize this blog entry gets awfully close to the nonsense that goes on at cincinnati.blogspot.com, wherein the guy simply links to the news and offers some inane comments. please forgive me for any resemblance to that blog's world of regurgitation. however, i will offer this defense: at least i'm not making website regurgitating a way of life here...

fashion plate

setting fashion trends is one of this blogger's core competencies. for example, reflect back to the "floral with plaid" craze from the summer of 2005.

that was me. i started that.

"floral with plaid" got so big, that by summer 2006 EVERYONE was doing it. but follow the fad from it's roots: the 2006 crowd was behind the curve, and i had already moved into a more avante garde application. sycophants, "floral with plaid" was sooo 2005.

however, this memorial day weekend (2007), i witnessed something that gave me pause- a manchild, in "plaid with camoflauge". nice job.

to you, manchild, congratulations. but, staying on top in the fashion world is the hard part. enjoy this victory, but fashion moves quickly, and this blogger moves quicker. can you smell what j-pac is cooking?

Sunday, May 20, 2007

buffet strategy

when visiting a food buffet a little strategy can help you get the most for your money. here is a strategy i have successfully used at the kingsgate conference center:

+ALWAYS use the first plate for a leafy green salad. when creating the plate, avoid any pastas that may be in the salad bar. just leafy greens with things like cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. salad dressing and cheese ARE allowed.
+on the second plate, head for the entrees, but avoid the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. the idea is to experience as many flavors as the buffet has to offer without taking on the carbs.
+the third plate is the big one...pick your favorites from the second plate, or try things you didn't get to yet. go nutz! and eat the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. it's carb time!
+after the third plate, order a cup of black coffee and relax for 15 minutes.
+return to the dessert buffet and go nutz!

this strategy has served me well during my trips to kingsgate's buffet. they charge $12 so i'm inclined to make the trip count. as a bonus, working out about an hour before the trip also aids the consumption.

try this strategy and post a comment if it works for you!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

biotechnology

how would an organization, such as the RIAA, monitor my thoughts? clearly, the RIAA, the US Government, and others, desire this type of surveillance and their keys to achieving it are the disciplines of biotechnology and nanotechnology. but, these organizations know they cannot implant tracking devices or brain wave monitoring equipment via public campaign. they know employing biotech to track citizens must be done surreptitiously and covertly.

enter the gastroenterologist. or, alternately, the gastroenterologist will enter you.

***

according to cancer.org, a gastroenterologist is:

"a doctor who specializes in diseases of the digestive (gastrointestinal) tract"

extending cancer.org's definition: in pursuit of curing these diseases, a gastroenterologist performs varying medical procedures, depending on the pathology detected. specifically, two of these procedures are used in screening the colon-

+flexible sigmoidoscopy &
+colonoscopy

the screening involves a camera inserted into the patient's rectum by the gastroenterologist.

***

could you possibly have a polyp? should you get screened via one of these procedures? creating this fear is the first step in the government's biotech surveillance plan.

in fact, gastroenterologists are government operatives of the CIA. the government and other agencies seek to hook you with this fear of disease. they then use gastroenterologists as the vehicle for implanting a nano-tracking device in your colon. and, so you're never aware of what they're actually doing, they put you on drugs like demerol, causing you to become disoriented and to forget the entire procedure. to reinforce their original story, they produce reports from a computer detailing your colon. then, they encourage you to bring in others, friends & loved ones, for screening too. they will not rest until everyone has the "screening" and there are stories of them resorting to abduction of those who do not participate willingly. after all, when you shoot em up with demerol, they're not going to remember the abduction either...

now, with the nano-tracker operating from your colon and unbeknownst to you they will monitor your location. since the nano-tracker also monitors your brainwaves, they can essentially "read your mind" and control you too.

gastroenterologists enable mind control for the US Government. they are now the THOUGHT POLICE... anything they desire is possible. for instance, the IRS will know EXACTLY how much to confiscate from you and you better not fudge a dime on your return...

***

spotting a resistor is relatively easy, they're usually the ones willing to bend or even break rules. conversely, those members of the public that the gastroenterologists have already gotten to usually exhibit behaviors such as stopping at yellow lights, walking in straight lines, and refusing to "loosen up". when you look into their eyes, it's like nobody's home and they NEVER tell jokes or goof around.

abandon them, they're not worth the trouble...but save yourself and purchase a combination lock for your rectum. DO NOT share the combination with anyone, you wouldn't want it known to someone already compromised.

scrutinize your gastroenterologist carefully before sharing your combination and going in for a screening. heed this warning, it is your only hope.

thought police

a friend received a troubling e-mail from the RIAA today. the friend has gone into hiding. the e-mail was provided to me, and simply reading it probably puts me on the RIAA's "enemies list". if you're concerned about being put on their list, stop here.

i want to assure my devoted fans that i intend to fight this kind of nonsense. although it didn't happen directly to me, I AM A FREE THINKER, which scares the RIAA. but, if no one hears from me over the next week or so, theres a possibility i have been abducted by their jack booted thugs, simply for reading this material, forwarded to me. this blog is intended to publicize their threats in the event i am abducted.

we WILL THINK FOR OURSELVES, FIGHT THE POWER!

now, here is the e-mail, in full, with headers:

Return-Path: [mbainwol@riaa.com]
X-Original-To: [address withheld]
Delivered-To: [address withheld]
Received: from cliftonite.moderncs.net (localhost [127.0.0.1])
by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix) with ESMTP id 370F91981E
for [address withheld]; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:20:39 -0400 (EDT)
Received: by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix, from userid 65534)
id 1EC9D28858; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:20:39 -0400 (EDT)
Received: from mail.riaa.com (cliftonite.moderncs.net [192.168.20.20])
by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix) with SMTP id 975AB1981E
for [address withheld]; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:05:19 -0400 (EDT)
From: mbainwol@riaa.com ["Mitch Bainwol, Chairman/RIAA"]
To: Name Withheld [address withheld]
Subject: RIAA royalties
Message-Id: <20070515210519.975ab1981e@cliftonite.moderncs.net>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2007 17:05:19 -0400 (EDT)
X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.2 (2004-11-16) on
cliftonite.moderncs.net
X-Spam-Level:
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version=3.0.2
X-Virus-Scanned: ClamAV using ClamSMTP

Mr. [withheld]:

The Recording Industry Association of America is the trade group that represents the U.S. recording industry. Its mission is to foster a business and legal climate that supports and promotes our members' creative and financial viability.

To this end, we use several methods. One of our methods is deterrence of those who trade music files they have not paid for. However, recently, we have also engaged in deterrence of those who get bad songs stuck in their heads. It is our opinion, that when a bad song is stuck in your head, you're still listening to it, and therefore royalties are due.

It has come to our attention you have recently had the following bad songs stuck in your head in 2007:

B52s- "Love Shack"/05.10.2007/walking on McMillan Ave
Pink Floyd- "Money"/04.28.2007/Kroger Spring Grove grocery trip
Enrique Iglesias- "Hero"/04.18.2007/Plane flight to New York City
Milli Vanilli- "Girl You Know It's True"/04.04.2007/Metro Bus ride for downtown errands
Offspring- "Low Self Esteem"/03.24.07/On the road to Louisville with Cuz
R.E.M.- "Everybody Hurts"/03.05.07/Network gig
Tears For Fears- "Sowing the Seeds of Love"/02.21.07/couchbound waiting for UK basketball to come on
Neil Diamond- "Coming to America"/02.01.07/shower
Michael Jackson- "Black or White"/01.15.07/cleaning upstairs toilet

These are samples and do not constitute the complete list. The complete list will be forwarded to you by our attorneys as we begin the financial, punitive damage phase of our lawsuit.

As you are aware, all music, even BAD MUSIC, is protected by the RIAA. Bad music stuck in your head is considered "stolen" in the eyes of the RIAA. It is in this context that we file this civil suit against you. In no way does the RIAA claim responsibility for producing bad music.

Thank you for your attention to this matter...our attorneys will be in touch with you.

Mitch Bainwol
Chairman/CEO Recording Industry Association of America
511 Lexington Ave
Suite 7700
New York, NY 10017

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

summer meteorology

this week, for the first time in 2007, we have witnessed the summer weather pattern. amazingly, i had a better idea of how the weather would play out than the brainiac's with the dopplers employed by the local news channels. seriously, check it out:

derek beasley (sp?) of channel 5 started telling me on monday that rain would come tuesday PM. but, i've lived through a couple summers to this point and viewed enough of derek and his cohorts' misinformation to know better.

you see, derek is an automaton and storms make a great tease. during the summer weather pattern, he looks at his dopplers, frontal boundaries, and humidity levels and he knows rain will develop. but consider his industry- info/tainment. derek's real job is ratings and the pathetic truth is: no TV meteorologist wants to UNDERESTIMATE a storm. furthermore, if he OVERESTIMATES he can then tease, tease, tease.

"storms will move through the area later and could produce lightening, hail, and flash flooding. more on that, after these messsages."

it's the alarmist nature of TV news- plain and simple.

so, here's how to interpret what derek and his infobabes are telling you at noon, 5, 530, 6 & 11.

when derek says, RAIN! STORMS! HIGH WINDS! and HAIL! for tuesday PM but there is not a bow echo on radar, then add 24hrs before expected weather. in the example, derek is really saying wednesday PM.

this logic is trumped by the strong fronts- if you see a bow echo on radar coming from the northwest- take cover.

but, 90% of the time, that bow echo just isn't there. 90% of the time the humidity builds first and the high pressure area is not strong enough to push through as a bow echo. so, everyday derek comes on predicting RAIN! STORMS! HIGH WINDS! and HAIL! but no bow echo is present- add another 24hrs. in the example from above, we tune in again wednesday and find high humidities sans a bow echo- now weather is thursday PM. this loop can repeat for a week.

it is extremely rare for the high pressure center to develop over your particular area.

until that sweet canadian air can gather and come on through, it's a soupy heatwave and the derek beasley's from info/tainment-land should stick their dopplers where the sun don't shine- assuming they can figure out where that is.

whether or not they can find that place, they should quit misleading us in the name of selling replacement windows, SUVs, more SUVs, still more SUVs, and carpeting.

finally, the model works in reverse too. derek may say something to the effect of, "after this front moves through we will cool off for X days." usually he will give a 7day outlook showing the cooler period. always subtract 24hrs from the cooler period. so, if derek shows you 3 cool days- you're actually only going to get 2 before the return of the humidity.

apply this method to the summer of 2007 for a more accurate forecast.