cliff notes

to the immediate north of my home is a cliff. not like "grand canyon" cliff, but it's a cliff just the same.

this spring, it would seem a possum has taken MY CLIFF up as it's (don't know the gender) residence. i did NOT move to the city to put up with big game.

so, not since the raccoon battle of 1998 have i faced off against the furry critters of cincinnati. that experience went from "territory marking" all the way to critter control with their associated invoices. this time, i don't want to hire them, so tonight i have begun a random course of indiana gunpowder...you call em fireworks.

we'll see if occasional *ka-booms* are able to move this freakshow to a different cliff.

either it moves, or i move.

when manipulating markets for profit- remember to segment!

Here are the "official" versions of Microsoft's latest Office Suite:

+Microsoft Office 2007 Home and Student Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Standard Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Small Business Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Professional Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Professional Plus Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Enterprise Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Ultimate Edition

In addition, we have the following versions of Microsoft's latest operating system:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Starter Edition (not available in the United States, Canada, the European Union, Australia, New Zealand, or other high income markets as defined by the World Bank.)
+Microsoft Windows Vista Home Basic Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Business Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Enterprise Edition

OK, I'll translate the World Bank thing for you...they're GIVING AWAY Microsoft Windows Vista Starter Edition in certain countries- why? because in China and India especially, Linux as desktop is gaining market share at an alarming rate. But, throw in the "high income" garbage and you get to look like an altruistic corporate citizen. What a bunch of baloney.

Anyway, there are 7 versions of Office and 6 versions of Windows. I decided thats not enough and offer the following versions Microsoft should also release:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Extra Expensive Edition
+Microsoft Office Goofball Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Over The Rhine Edition with Crackpipe Plugin designed for Microsoft Windows Vista Blight and Slum Version (warning: as with ALL other Microsoft titles, these Editions and Versions ARE NOT bulletproof!)
+Microsoft Office 2007 Unprofessional Backtalk Edition with Tourette's Syndrome voice recognition module ..@*+$%!
+Microsoft Office 2007 Monday thru Friday 8a- 6p with Nights and Weekends add on Pack Edition Plus Kentucky Framework Edition Pack and sometimes Y
+Microsoft Office 2007 Thanksgiving Edition with a side of Gravy Packet Feature configured for Microsoft Windows Vista Biscuit Edition running Cheesemuffin Client
+Microsoft Windows Vista Petroleum Edition (available in the United States only) SUV Version and Godzilla SUV Version

...and the funniest one of em all:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Open Source Edition!

Let me know if you think I missed any versions and I will post em here.

don't fake the flava

im not sure what the deal is, occasionally i find myself in the company of adults, who eat like children.

here is what i'm fixing today:

JACKSON'S CHICKEN CREOLE

2 Tbsp butter
half a medium green pepper, chopped
2 medium onions, chopped
.5 cup chopped celery
1lb 4oz-can tomatoes
.5 tsp pepper
1.5 tsp salt
3 red (cayenne) peppers
1 cup water
2 Tbsp corn starch
1 tsp sugar
1.5 Tbsp cold water
2 cups cooked and cubed chicken
6 green or black olives sliced

1- melt butter in slow cooker. add green pepper, red (cayenne) pepper,
onions, and celery. heat.
2- add tomatoes, pepper, salt and 1 cup water.
3- cover, cook on high while preparing remaining ingredients.
4- combine cornstarch and sugar. add 1.5Tbsp cold water and make a smooth
paste. stir into mixture in slow cooker. add chicken and olives.
5- cover, cook on low 2- 3 hours.

i have served this to others and eaten it for lunch at one of my clients' locations. i have heard these remarks,

"i can't eat that."
"i had to throw out that bowl you fixed for me, it was too spicy."
"what is that green stuff in there?"

these statements came from ADULTS.

it seems there is a demographic that eats only "fried and cheese". it also seems many of the members of this demographic are ADULTS.

it was also put to me once that, "if it doesn't go 'moo moo' or 'oink oink' i ain't eating it." this was spoken by an ADULT.

cmon, if you're over the age of 18, you oughtta be able to develop your palate beyond "fried and cheese". try various items and get a sense of the flavors available. try various items besides pizza and cheesburgers and quit crying. your colon will thank you.

so turn off that episode of scooby doo, put down that candybar, cook up the recipe above and stop faking the flava. or, keep living in your world of bacon, i'll catch up with you after dinner.

OPEN LETTER

Dear Uncle Sam,

I got your yearly notification regarding my status in the Social Security program. Thank You, it means so much.

However, I'm concerned about the program. Enough so, that I would rather not participate anymore. No hard feelings Sammy, I'm just not sure its the right direction for my retirement.

So, heres what I was thinking:

+Let me out of the program, like you do your direct employees. I would no longer pay in.
+Keep everything I have sent you to this point. Consider it a gift. You do not need to pay me back interest, principal, or otherwise.

I think the deal is fair. I'm sure you've wisely watched after all that dough I've sent you and that it is growing steadily. Use it for the others, no strings attached!

Remember Sammy, as I've worked for you over the decades, I've become smarter, wiser. I'm controlling more of the details of our little deal- even to the point of doing my own payroll now. So why don't you make this easier on both of us?

Looking forward to seeing you April 15th,

Jason

a day in the void

i wrote "pizza cake" to mean "piece of cake",
the error was intentional.

although one emerges from the void,
part of one can remain in the void.

put another way-
pizza mingles with one's spirit
and one's spirit mingles with the void.

it can remain that way for some time,
like after looking at the sun
and closing your eyes-
you still see the sun floating in your vitreous fluid, correct?

so it is with corn pizza
(the road to hell is paved with maize)
and soy skillets
(soybeans are a tool of satan).

rolling on, you realize:
agriculture has gotten the best of you,
you've changed.

that can't be helped now,
do not dwell.
for the hoosier night brings hallucinations
of signs reading "Cincinnati."

finally- it is clear:

on the eighth day DOG was 99% done with earth,
all that was left to finish was NW indiana.
and DOG said, "forget it, i'm tired."

christmasphobia

occasionally, friends and family accuse me of being a "scrooge"...while i do loathe the silly season- i find this term highly offensive.

in fact, i am a victim...my affliction? christmasphobia.

for example: as a christmasphobe, i believe the impulse to hang lights is not, in fact, celebratory. rather, it is the fat, dumb, american's tendency when his part of the world turns COLD AND DARK. consequently, i am unable to silence christmasphobia's voice inside my head, repeating endlessly:

"christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption."

trying to square this voice with my longing for "fitting in" creates great conflict- conflict rooted in christmasphobia. on several occasions, i have attempted to setup a manger scene in my yard with a plastic mary, joseph and baby jesus, but have failed due to the condition. i retreat into a world of anxiety, driven by the demands of materialism.

society will one day offer "programs" and "assistance" for those of us diagnosed with this malady- a malady of isolation manifested by the scorn of friends and family. when names like "scrooge" get tossed around it undermines not only a singular christmasphobe's confidence and ability to succeed, but that of an ever growing mass of fellow christmasphobes.

it's difficult living with chrismasphobia and society is beginning to recognize that. cutting edge studies are underway to measure this growing disorder. the finest researchers all across our fine academic institutions in this country have undertaken the effort to shine the light of science on christmasphobia's genetics and triggers. academia is our only hope for defining this demographic and eventually getting us the help we so desperately need- help in the form of "programs" and "assistance" in conjunction with pills from the likes of merck and pfizer.

until we know more, please do not rush to conclusions about christmasphobes- we are kind, generous and loving people that just need to be loved.

my vision is that, one day, we will no longer have to hear the "s" word. until then, we have a lot of work to do.

signs

ive noticed several signs posted or rules printed that give
me pause-

"rough road"
at times i could swear i'm on a rough road, the automobile i'm riding in is tossing about and the suspension system is taking a beating, but no "rough road" sign is posted. so, the crew that posts the "rough road" signs is doing a terrible job, or i don't understand the threshold for which a road has become rough enough to deserve a sign. in any event, i have a better idea- post signs for the opposite, smooth road. in cincinnati, you'll have ALOT less mileage to cover which should make it easier to manage.

"resume legal speed"
i didn't know there were exceptions to the speed limit, kinda figured it was one of those absolute deals. when i see the "resume legal speed" sign, i'm left to wonder if i couldn't have been making better time up to that point. if i pass through the same corridor later on, and i know the "resume legal speed" marker is coming, can i floor it until i get there? i'm pretty sure the answer is NO, i should be driving the legal speed at all times rendering the sign unnecessary.

"drug free zone"
i thought drugs were illegal in all zones. it would seem all a crack dealer would need to know is: where are the boundaries of the drug free zone? go another couple feet beyond the boundary and setup shop! then again, this might be too sophisticated for their clientele.

"illegal items"
this can be found at the entrance to paul brown stadium. it is on the stadium's prohibited list. it sorta goes with the "drug free zone", however, in this case we're given some indication of the boundary. if you can't bring illegal items into the stadium then presumeably the area just outside the stadium must be where you can have your AK47s, tax free income, and open containers of booze...oh wait a minute, if the bengalberries are playing that day you CAN have open containers of booze outside the stadium but you definitely CANNOT bring them in (they're illegal afterall). although an open container of booze is an "illegal item" throughout the rest of hamilton county, on gameday this "illegal item" transforms into a "legal item" without somuch as an event area. personally, i have see bengalberry fans as far north as 9th street with this type of "illegal item". i'm left to wonder if your average drunk cincinnatian could uncork his mad dog at say, the dude energy center.

"no parking 4- 6p"/"no parking all other times"
this should be an easy one for the city of cincinnati to straighten out. on 9th street between race & elm there is a rush hour lane...not unusual, no parking 4- 6p is fairly common on the outbound portions of the street grid (7- 9a on the inbound portions). however, there is a second, more sinister sign which reads, "no parking all other times" posted here. i'm thinking you could just put up one sign which reads, "no parking" and eliminate some confusion.

"place stamp here/the post office will not deliver mail without postage"
i've always wondered, if the mail is for local delivery, couldn't i put the address i'm sending to as the return address, then some bogus address as the delivery address and skip the postage? i'm assuming the post office would get the item and enforce its policy, returning it to the return address with postage due. but, when they do that, they've fallen into my diabolical scheme because thats who i wanted to recieve the item in the first place. if this ruse works, then, in fact, the post office has delivered mail without postage.

"winery this exit"
when traveling from cincinnati to louisville on I71, there is a state of kentucky sign informing you that exit 34 will get you to a winery. this seems really screwed up to me, the majority of people that see the sign are DRIVING. most automobiles i observe on this highway (all highways) are occupied solely by the driver. but the matter is complicated by the fact the state of kentucky put the sign inplace while simultaneously imposing a law that a driver's blood alcohol content above .08 is dangerous and therefore illegal. should the state of kentucky be engaging in this duplicity?