An Extra Day in a Bad Month

Goodbye February...not a fan.

Things Going Wrong...

Headlines Britney!

If you're able to cut through the nonsense in the press these days, you may find yourself reading the following, from an AP article, as I did:

"I can say that through the concert tonight, all the members of the New York Philharmonic opened the hearts of the [North] Korean people," Song Sok Hwan told the orchestra. The concert, he said at a banquet, "serves as an important occasion to open a chapter of mutual understanding between the two countries."

Performing on a stage flanked by the U.S. and North Korean flags, the Philharmonic played the North Korean national anthem, "Patriotic Song," following by "The Star-Spangled Banner." The audience stood respectfully and held their applause until both had been performed.

***

Say what? The New York Philharmonic played the Star Spangled Banner in North Korea?

Does ANYONE think this is HUGE?

Or, were we just too wrapped up in the Oscars to notice?

***

Long Road

Terraforming

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away (but you had to drive there anyway because there were no sidewalks) Goldilocks, a dumerican, was out cruising in her SUV.


Goldilocks was looking for a place to call home and during her gas guzzling cruise, she came across three planets.

The first planet had a sign outside that read, "Venus". After stopping at a gas station, Goldilocks cruised all around Venus, but decided it wasn't a suitable place to call home, "This atmosphere is too thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Goldilocks came to a planet with a sign reading, "Mars". Goldilocks filled up her gas tank again, and went cruising, the dumerican way. But, for the second time, she decided this planet would not work, "This place has NO atmosphere!" she lamented.

After another stop at the gas station, Goldilocks decided to try out the third little nugget orbiting around. It's sign read, "Earth" and Goldilocks knew she was home. The planet had SUVs everywhere and a perfect atmosphere.

Goldilocks quickly set herself up with an unsustainable lifestyle and issued all kinds of unsecured, personal debt- the dumerican dream! Most of this unsecured debt was used to purchase gasoline, while simultaneously complaining about gasoline prices.

***

Goldilocks didn't know it, but the Earthlings arranged their planet in political jurisdictions known as countries. At one time there was a sole country known as a "superpower". This country was called "Dumerica" and it's people lived to consume, showing no inclination toward rational efficiencies.

Eventually, Dumerica "exported" it's "culture" to the other countries. As Goldilocks' time on Earth continued, she started to notice the atmosphere was getting thicker, and trapping heat. It's atmosphere was eventually going to wind up like that of Venus, which was uninhabitable.

***

Goldilocks could still remember Venus and Mars, and thats when she had an idea:

"What if we put strip malls and low density, automobile-centric developments on Mars?" she wondered. "Wouldn't this invite Dumericans and their SUVs to drive around that planet too? Wouldn't it's atmosphere thicken, terraforming it, and wouldn't it become an ideal place for the SUV lifestyle? Much as Earth once was?"

Goldilocks was able to ignore the lost productivity of the Dumericans, as they lined their SUVs up burning gasoline and thickening the atmosphere while travelling nowhere.

She was also able to ignore things like water runoff from all of the pavement the Dumericans put down to accomodate this inefficient mode of transportation.

And, finally, she ignored the sedentary nature of the Dumericans- rolling around in their SUVs required little personal energy. As the Dumericans ballooned in size and faced an obesity epidemic, all that really mattered was more consumption.

Goldilocks contacted the new office of interplanetary sprawl at Wal-Mart. The two of them stopped by the gas station, then headed on up to Mars to begin construction of the first strip mall.

THE END

grillbilly

grillbilly \'gril-,bil-ē\ n, pl -lies (2008) 1 : a person from a backwoods area who prefers to grill his food

usage:

"If he ever finishes that patio we're gonna go over to that Grillbilly's place and chow down!"

Poop Legislation

Is there a low flow toilet in the oval office? Or, have Bush, Cheney, Clinton, Clinton, Lewinski, Gore, etc...been using a "full flow", traditional style toilet during their "sessions" there?

Somewhere the Secret Service, FBI, CIA and other agencies are probably sourcing the "full flow" traditional style toilets for use by our highest elected officials and appointees. But, they have classified this "bath & plumbing" source as "TOP SECRET". "TOP SECRET" like some sort of Pentagon, "let's blow up some country" memorandum because they're foisting the low flow garbage off on the rest of us. If we were to find the source of these toilets, according the government's logic, there would be TOTAL ANARCHY! REBELLION! REVOLUTION!

This is the ULTIMATE abuse of power.

Citizens are not happy with low flow toilets. We do not care to do "excrement equations" such as:

LOW FLOW
Defecate(double flush) + Urinate(single flush) + Urinate(single flush) = 4 flushes = 4 gallons of water

FULL FLOW
Defecate(single flush) + Urinate(single flush) + Urinate(single flush) = 3 flushes = 4.5 gallons of water (1.5 gpf)

LOW FLOW
Vomit(double flush) + Defecate(double flush) + Urinate(single flush) = 5 flushes = 5 gallons of water

We just want a place where we can do our business, flush once, and move on. If the oval office does not have a low flow toilet, neither should we, regardless of whether or not the "plunger lobby" has bought and paid for our legislators.

Idiosyncracy 01

A man's smoke detector begins chirping- not like, "Oh No! This place is on fire!" chirping, rather, "Hey, I think something is wrong with my battery" chirping.

Man removes battery and makes note to self, "Pickup 9volt battery next time you're in the sprawl."

***

A day later, while visiting with a friend, the subject comes up. The friend offers a new, 9volt on the spot. Man accepts 9volt, "What are friends for? Golly!"

***

Chronological Smoke Detector Battery Replacement Procedure Breakdown:

01 Duracell from counter (left as a reminder) is prepared for disposal
02 Weird deja vu feeling- like 6months ago
03 Duracell thrown in trash, trashcan nearly full, Duracell sinks to bottom
04 Insertion of Everyready provided by friend
05 Chirping continues
06 Duracell must not have been bad
07 Garbage rummaging
08 Yuk coffee grounds
09 Its not that important
10 Note to self, "Pickup smoke detector next time you're in the sprawl."

Trump Reprise

They're putting up the 2nd tallest in Chicago, could this mean America is alive and well?

My favorite SuperBowl Commercial

This kinda thing happens to me all the time...

The City loses again...

As the city loses a key piece of architecture, suburbanites continue to plan for more! and larger! strip malls...