Kubrick

Die Candy

366 days

It's over! Take down those goofy, cartoonish lights. Turn off that bad music and go back to work. Put away the stupid elf dolls...the silly season is done. Maybe next year, we'll all figure it out and skip the nonsense: it's just a dark time of year and no amount of lights, bad music, or shopping will change that.

Hey Santa, good riddance.

N Michigan/Water Tower

Cuz stayed downtown last weekend and shot this photo. Good job cuz!

Ohio Secretary of State

The Ohio Secretary of State is Jennifer Brunner. Her website features the statue of liberty, which is not located in Ohio. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Anyway, this politician would prefer to keep her residential address confidential, while she simultaneously works for the state. A state that collects and distributes information WE would prefer to keep confidential.

In an effort to even the score a little, her personal residence is published here:

Jennifer Brunner
893 Cherryfield Ave.
Columbus, Ohio 43235

Whose up for a field trip?

It's also quite strange that in this picture of her, she somewhat, existentially, resembles the ham below. Weird.

Form 426-T

Ham
As a corollary to the physical (ownership) transfer of a ham, the IRS now requires the transferee to file a new form- Form 426-T(Ham Transfer). The transferrer must also file a new form- Form 1090-HAM.

Both parties must state their full names and addresses, social security numbers, weight of the ham, and the date/purpose of the ham transfer amongst other information. In addition, the following two forms may also be required:

1: Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) must be filed if a Holiday Ham is being transferred. This applies to year round frozen ham transfers for the purpose of thawing at the holidays. The "holidays" are known as the period when the transferrer and the transferee take time off from work in order to consume ham at a celebration of the following:
+Kwanzaa
+Non Kosher Hanukkah
+Christmas
+All other holidays for which a politically correct designation is warranted

Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) is MANDATORY for all hams with a transfer date in December.

2: Form 426-T(INTERSTATE) must be filed if the transferrer and the transferee move a ham over state lines. This condition is met when the transferrer has a permanent address in one state and the transferee has a permanent address in another state.

Some examples-
EX1: Transferrer resides in Ohio and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The ham transfer occurs on December 16th.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files Form 426-T(INTERSTATE) AND Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS)

EX2: Transferrer resides in Ohio and transferee resides in Ohio. The ham transfer occurs on October 30th but the ham is frozen and for the purpose of a Non Kosher Hanukkah celebration.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files FORM 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS)

EX3. Transferrer resides in Kenyucky and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The transfer occurs on July 12th, the ham is NOT frozen, and is for the purpose of a well loved Canadian family member's birthday, celebrated on July 19th. In addition the transferee is vegetarian.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files FORM 426-T(Ham Transfer). There is no exemption for vegetarians that prepare hams for the consumption of others.

EX4. Transferrer resides in Kenyucky and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The transfer occurs on December 2, the ham is frozen, and is for the purpose of a "White People Aren't Cool Day" celebration, the day after Martin Luther King Jr. day in January.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) because the transfer occurred in December, even though the ham is not for the purpose of a holiday (as defined above) celebration.

The IRS has received many complaints regarding ham transfers made in December for the purpose of "White People Aren't Cool Day" celebrations. Although the mandatory Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) applies, the IRS may relax this requirement in the future. Currently, however, this form is required for such transfers running through the year 3300.

The IRS will assign values to the hams transferred and will respond to each ham transfer form filed with this value. This value is then carried to other IRS forms.

The IRS sincerely hopes taxpayers and ham transferrers enjoy their hams. When done properly, and within the framework of this guidance, everyone can enjoy ham, regardless of the occasion or time of year.

SWSK

Single White Serial Killer seeks S(Black)F, S(White)F, or S(Hispanic)F for meaningful relationship. SWSK enjoys long walks on the beach, snow skiing, puppies, basket weaving, and the occasional satanic sacrifice. Past relationships have gotten "gory" at times but are no indication of future results. So, take a chance on a slasher, it's going to last forever!

Safety Tips

If you’ve ever been passed on the wrong side, tailgated, cut off or hemmed in by another vehicle, you’ve been the victim of an aggressive driver. Drivers may be fined up to $200 for each moving violation associated with aggressive driving and could spend time in jail.

Avoid Becoming an Aggressive Driver
+Keep your emotions in check. Don’t take your frustrations out on other drivers.
+Plan ahead and allow enough time for delays.
+Focus on your own driving. Yelling, pounding on the steering wheel and honking your horn won't make traffic move any faster.
+Don't drive in the first place, move to pedestrian friendly neighborhoods and live close to work. If you're offered a job in some god forsaken suburb, turn it down.
+Sharpen your computer skills, so you can work remotely if possible.

How to Avoid Danger
1. Be a cautious, considerate driver. Avoid creating a situation that may provoke another motorist:

+Don’t tailgate or flash your lights at another driver.
+If you’re in the left lane and someone wants to pass, move over and let the driver pass you.
+Use your horn sparingly.

2. If you do encounter an angry driver, don’t make matters worse by triggering a confrontation:

+Avoid eye contact.
+Steer clear and give angry drivers plenty of room.
+Don’t make inappropriate hand or facial gestures.
+If you're concerned for your safety, call 9-1-1.

Last resort
If all of these Safety Tips fail, your only option is to become more aggressive than the aggressors:

+Honk as much as possible.
+"Ram" other automobiles when you see fit.
+Give "the finger" frequently.

This last resort option should not be used daily. But, it will let everyone else on the road know that, "you're the boss." If they are following the first and second options above, you'll have plenty of room, wide open lanes, and a smooth commute!

Brought to you by the (Insert your state here) Department of Transportation! Happy Highways everyone!

The Los Angeles Bengalberries

Los Angeles, California

In 1995, the NFL franchises known as the Raiders and the Rams both moved OUT of Los Angeles. Since then, the country's 2nd largest market has been without an NFL franchise.

At that time, other NFL teams (most notably the Cincinnati Bengalberries) used the vacant Los Angeles market, in combination with their monopolies, as leverage for various publicly subsidized goodies in their own markets. Unfortunately, the biggest sprawl monger to ever drive his SUV around the endless, automobile-centric CRAP in Hamilton County, Bob Bengalhaus- fell for it hook line and sinker.

Is it too late for us to send the Bengalberries to Los Angeles? A deal could work like this:

+Los Angeles assumes some (hopefully all) of the financial commitments made to the Bengalberries by Hamilton County and Bob Bengalhaus.
+Los Angeles also agrees to put the Bengalberries in some sort of stadium, out there, as far from Cincinnati as possible. Possibly the LA Coliseum could be repaired/used for the Bengalberries. Hamilton County would have nothing to do with wherever the Bengalberries are going to play "out there."
+Hamilton County, with a lowered financial commitment to these LOSERS*, uses these funds to create a world class mass transit system. A system that would move the local hillbillies and trailer trash around the area much more efficiently than their current,
"parking garage/gridlock/add lanes/REPEAT" system.
+Hamilton County also rids itself from the constant, embarrassing, "Drunk Bengalberry in Trouble" background noise that turns up in the paper year round.
+Paul Brown Stadium is renamed "The People's Stadium" and is used for events for the people.
+"Tail Gating" aka selective enforcement of open container laws, ceases. Sundays become safer year round, since concentrated drunkenness on the riverfront has also ceased.

This is an excellent plan. Let's urge our current commissioners to start the dialog with their counterparts in LA.

*They are LOSERS in every sense of the word because that's what they do: LOSE.

Shoe Confidential

The Scene: a HOT summer's day, July 2006, in a suburban strip mall: a table of "clearance" shoes. The shoes are piled high like some sort of podiatry land fill.

The Protagonist: your humble blogger, of course, shoe size: 13.

The Purchase: for $20, steel toed, size 13, waterproof winter boots (its 95degrees outside after all).

This will forever be known as the greatest shoe bargain ever found. Size 13s are rare and this "out of season" score belongs in the shoe shopping hall of fame.

Fun with Postage

Whoa, whoa, whoa...slow down. Where does the stamp go again? I can't figure it out.

New Federal Holidays

The Federal Government has recently launched a "pay more get less" program at the direction of the new, Democratically controlled Congress. Income and payroll taxes will be raised 10% to cover new Federal holidays. The "Pay More Get Less Act" takes effect immediately, and includes observation of the following, new holidays in 2007:

+11.29- Solar System Day
+11.30- Petroleum Day
+12.06- Thanksgiving*
+12.07- Canadian Bacon Day
+12.13- Mexican Flag Day**
+12.14- Pervez Musharraf Day
+12.19- We're Getting Close to the "Holidays" Day
+12.20- Now We're Even Closer to the "Holidays" Day
+12.21- Solstice

...And in 2008:

+01.02- Oh No! Retailers' Weak Receipts/Here Comes the Recession Day
+01.22- White People Aren't Cool Day
+02.04- 02.08- SATURDAY***

* On 11.22.07 the Federal Government erroneously celebrated "Pilgrim Day" which is different from Thanksgiving. To correct that error, Thanksgiving will be celebrated on 12.06.07 as a makeup.

** Mexican Flag Day is observed the week after Canadian Bacon Day as required by the "Pay More Get Less Act's" NAFTA provision. It is essentially an attempt to keep Mexico from getting jealous and all bent out of shape about Canadian Bacon Day. Mexicans have always felt their bacon was just as good as, or even better, than the Canadians'. In an effort to avoid a modern day "Alamo" Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D- CA) brokered Mexican Flag Day. In return Mexico agreed to allow the Canadians to lay claim to the "Best Bacon" title and, in turn, to allow the U.S. to observe Canadian Bacon Day.

*** Everyone loves Saturday so much, the United States has decided to create an entire week of Saturdays.

I'm OK, You're OK

Hamilton County, OHIO says this man is "mentally ill" *sic*. Cliftonite agrees and would go one step further- he also appears to be:

+nuts
+crazy
+a whacko
+a loon ball
+insane
+a crackpot
+fruity
+a lunatic
+cuckoo
+a ding-a-ling
+a dingbat
+a screwball
+a weirdo
+a freakshow
+a little "off"
+bonkers
+gaga
+bananas
+loco
+a couple sandwiches short of a picnic
+all of the above

Food item: Wendy's Grilled Chicken Wrap

Categories had to be created in order to review the Wendy's Grilled Chicken Wrap. This is not unlike the Oscars or the Grammys and so if THEY can do it, this BLOG can do it.

The review:

+Affordability- 5/5- The Wendy's Grilled Chicken Wrap was priced at $1.49 at my local Wendy's and was sold WITHOUT sales tax- EXCELLENT. This was the best thing about the wrap, since it was a nice lunch portion. At dinner, I would recommend 2.
+Flavor- 3.5/5- The chicken wrap did not taste BADLY, however, it will not be a flavor to remember. There were no surprises here- cheese & grilled chicken with iceburg lettuce inside a tortilla the size of a toilet seat lid. Some hot sauce/salsa/peppers/onions could have helped here. There was a hint of terayaki, but it did not rise to the occasion.
+Texture- 3.5/5- Again, no surprises. The wrap could have used a crouton or two for some crunch! Or, maybe a couple pine nuts.
+Overall- I'm going to give the wrap 4/5...romaine lettuce or some other variety could help this item immensely.

The favorable rating is based mainly on the Affordability category.

Trip to GABP

Summer will never be the same again...

Nuxhall

The last time I saw Joe Nuxhall he was leading the world's largest chicken dance at 2007 Oktoberfest. He had about six UC cheerleaders on the stage with him at Fountain Square. It looked like he was having a blast.

Hey Spammer, how we lookin?

Here is a link to a Perl script I'm hosting:

http://www.moderncs.net/contact.duh/userinfo.now

Click it and you will notice it generates random e-mail addresses and random links to MORE random e-mail addresses. When the spammers crawl webpages like this one, they get fake e-mail addresses mixed into their databases. Furthermore, when their spider (web crawling) programs follow the links, what do they get? MORE FAKE E-MAIL ADDRESSES! This can go on forever if their spiders don't figure it out.

If you have a webpage or blog, you should LINK to this page:

http://www.moderncs.net/contact.duh/userinfo.now

The spammers will NOT like you, but the rest of us will!

dumerican

dumerican \də-'mər-ə-kən, -'mər-, -'mar-, -i-kən\ n (2007) 1 : a citizen of Dumerica 2 : compound word referring to a DUMb citizen of the country amERICA who is preoccupied with conspicuous consumption

usage:

"Those Dumericans think driving hybrids and widening roads is a transportation plan for the future."

"Seems like all the Dumericans care about is what time Dumerican Idol comes on the telly."

"We the Dumericans, in order to form a more screwed up union, establish strip malls, insure low savings rates and high personal debt, provide for the lowest cultural denominator (most importantly: bad music), promote obesity, and secure the excesses of gluttony to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of Dumerica.

INDIANapolis, INDIANa reprise

The blog has received more suggestions for the renaming of INDIANapolis, INDIANa to a more politically correct, not to mention a more accurate, moniker:

+whatauselessinterstatesystemapolis, icantbelieveisurvivedthatiana?
+stillboringapolis, darkholeofdeathiana?

To this anonymous emailer- Thank You. Mayor Bart Peterson will be notified.

Snifftonite- Bizarre Love Triangle?

[Thread is reversed- snifftonite]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Doggett, Erica
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 12:09 PM
To: Randy Oswald
Subject:

Are you not talking to me?
Erica Doggett
Premier Health Care
937-312-3751
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Randy Oswald [mailto:Randy@RandyOswald.net]
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 12:48 PM
To: Doggett, Erica
Subject: RE:

I thought we covered that.
-------------------------------------------------------
From: Doggett, Erica
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 12:50 PM
To: Randy Oswald
Subject: RE:

You whatevered me but you didn't really say whether or not you were busy hating me forever. So I'm still not sure.
-------------------------------------------------------
From: Randy Oswald [mailto:Randy@RandyOswald.net]
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 3:21 PM
To: Doggett, Erica
Subject: RE:

I didnt just whatever you, i said very specifically that what you were doing was ridiculous and completely unnecessary.
-------------------------------------------------------
On Nov 6, 2007, at 4:23 PM, Doggett, Erica wrote:
I'm not entirely sure what necessary has to do with anything. Are you really not talking to me over a house guest [her ex-husband- snifftonite] that you deem unnecessary?
-------------------------------------------------------
are you really pretending not to see that it's not remotely as trivial as you just summarized it to be?
i'm well aware that you're a much smarter girl than that. dont insult MY intelligence by trying that.
--------------------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: Doggett, Erica
To: Randy Oswald
Sent: Wednesday, November 07, 2007 11:55 AM
Subject: RE: RE:


I do not see this at all as a trivial matter dear. Nor was it my intention to proceed without considering your feelings.

However, since you seem so intent on doing the vague and unavailable thing, you have made it quite difficult for me to be considerate of feelings that I have no way of knowing about. So unless you'd actually like to talk about this, which I doubt judging from your history of talk-dodging, I'm not entirely sure what you want me to do.

Just Lovely

+Brought the plants in from the porch
+Rode stationary bike (indoor)

NEXT
...Snow, ice, & road salt
...4hrs of daylight
...heating bills

Why 2007? Why? You used to be fun.

bluetiful

bluetiful \'blüt-i-fəl\ adj 1 : generally pleasing and specifically blue in color : EXCELLENT 2 having qualities of beauty combined with blue in color

usage:

"Those University of Kentucky NCAA Men's Basketball Championships were bluetiful!"

"Smurfette is bluetiful!" homina homina

"Can't Tase This"

The NCAA's bad method

The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) is a bureaucracy made up of college and university representatives that oversees and governs intercollegiate athletics. One way to think of this body is as it's sum being greater than it's parts. Sort of a "Congress" for the conferences and member institutions. NCAA.org even states the following:

"Many believe the Association rules college athletics; however, it is actually a bottom-up organization in which the members rule the Association."

Whatever...sounds like a paradox wrapped in a riddle because one of the core competencies of the Association is to issue/make available/publish a myriad of opinions, bylaws, and red tape. One such annual treatise, titled "NCAA Division I Manual" contains six articles together known as "The Constitution".

So, this organization, ruled by it's members, is now publishing a Constitution.

Stay with me here, this is getting good.

They have titled the second article of the six articles of The Constitution, "Principles of Conduct of Intercollegiate Athletics" and section six of that article states:

2.6 THE PRINCIPLE OF NONDISCRIMINATION
The Association shall promote an atmosphere of respect for and sensitivity to the dignity of every person. It is the policy of the Association to refrain from discrimination with respect to its governance policies, educational programs, activities and employment policies, including on the basis of age, color, disability, gender, national origin, race, religion, creed or sexual orientation. It is the responsibility of each member institution to determine independently its own policy regarding nondiscrimination. (Adopted: 1/16/93 Revised: 1/11/00)

Keep that last sentence in mind as you read this, from the August 6, 2005 online edition of the Boston Globe:

//
The NCAA took an important step in its campaign to eliminate the use of "hostile or abusive" nicknames by its membership yesterday by banning the use of Native American mascots by sports teams during postseason tournaments. The decision will prevent member schools from displaying nicknames or imagery deemed offensive on uniforms, clothing, or logos after Feb. 1.

The NCAA Executive Committee, meeting in Indianapolis, said at least 18 schools would be affected by the policy, including Division 1 athletic icons Florida State (Seminoles), Illinois (Fighting Illini), and Utah (Utes). Regardless of stature, each institution will also be barred from hosting future NCAA postseason tournaments. Schools already selected as tournament sites would be asked to cover any offensive logos.
//

That sounds more like the Association ruling it's members, anathema to the last sentence of section 2.6- "It is the responsibility of each member institution to determine independently its own policy regarding nondiscrimination."

So, stupid has no basement, moving along...

The second paragraph on the Boston Globe webpage starts off:

"The NCAA Executive Committee, meeting in Indianapolis..."

Whoa! "MEETING IN INDIANAPOLIS?"

Turns out, the NCAA is headquartered in the fair burg of INDIANapolis, INDIANa. The NCAA moved to INDIANapolis, INDIANa in July of 1999.

Now, via various duplicities, the Association has been able to "persuade" it's members (who rule it mind you) to change their mascots. We can only assume these persuasions and urgings took a form similar to the above Boston Globe reference, wherein the teams are banned from participating, unless they conform to the will of the NCAA Executive Committee, ruled by it's members and leaving interpretation of nondiscrimination up to individual institutions. Got that?

For instance, the Miami University Redskins became the Miami University Redhawks at the NCAA's behest. The NCAA, based in INDIANapolis, INDIANa determined "Redskins" was in violation of the "feelgood", "everybody belongs" section 2.6- "The principle of nondiscrimination".

However, the truth is, Native Americans prefer the moniker "Native Americans" for their race and culture. In fact, they ARE NOT Indians- Indians live in ASIA. Therefore, INDIANapolis, INDIANa alienates Native Americans by trivializing who they really are.

An albeit limited review of the NCAA's own publications can find no use of the word "Indian" in reference to Native Americans.

Therefore, the NCAA should take up the cause of renaming INDIANapolis, INDIANa, (as Miami University did with it's mascot) or move it's headquarters away from this location on the basis of it's very own Article 2.6!

Assuming renaming the city is the preference, Cliftonite offers the following possibilities:

+Nativeamericanapolis, Nativeamericana (this one is so obvious, it probably should have been changed yesterday)
+Cornapolis, Nativeamericana
+Flatapolis, Flatstate
+Havewemadeittochicagoyet, Reststopiana
+The Void

Since this is absolutely ludicrous, another option could be entertained- abolish the NCAA. It is self righteous, hypocritical, and petty.

Powerthirst

Thanks to cuz for passing this little nugget along...



WARNING: some slightly inappropriate language in this video

11.01.07- Apparently Google (Youtube) has been served a takedown notice for this video. Thats fine, we will all go find something else to laugh at.

Something Fishy swimming in the Cola

In Ohio, when food is prepared "to go", the state does not add sales tax. So, order a menu item costing $5.09 "to go", you pay $5.09. Order the same item "dine in" and you pay $5.42 (Hamilton County).

But, introduce the "combo meal," wherein the restaurant bundles food at one price, and things get tricky.

The state TAXES the beverage but not the food. In a bundled price, what does each item cost?

The Hopple & Colerain Wendy's sells the Turkey Swiss Frescata combo (sandwich, medium fry, medium cola) for $5.09 + the sales tax on the beverage. Recently (09.30.07), at the Hopple & Colerain location, this totaled $5.39. Therefore, the sales tax paid was $.30.

If $.30 was the sales tax on the beverage, then the beverage was priced at $4.62. It follows then, that the sandwich and medium fry, which WERE NOT taxed, make up the balance of $.77, for the $5.39 total.

This seems fishy because a medium cola is NOT priced at $4.62 on Wendy's regular menu. Rather, it is priced at $1.69. Sales Tax on $1.69 SHOULD BE $.11. Extending this logic, the price of the combo meal should be $5.09 + $.11 or $5.20.

So, in a combo meal, the state takes $.19 ($.30 - $.11) more on the cola than if the cola were ordered by itself. This is some kind of margin! Could the state of Ohio be engaging in subterfuge here? Probably: subterfuge seems to stand as the rule rather than the exception in the tax code.

The Cliff Blog recommends keeping bottled water nearby when ordering "to go" food. NEVER order combo meals- order FOOD only and skip the cola. All indications are, Columbus is Clueless about how Buckeyes want their money spent/government run. The more they receive, the more they screw it up.

The Polyphonic Spree

Tonight the Polyphonic Spree played at Bogart's in Cincinnati, OH. Attendance was light, maybe 400 people. There was plenty of room on the main floor.

However, those that attended received a gift, from the standpoint of great showmanship:

+To start the show, the Spree played their most catchy tune from their newest disc, (the one they are touring on) titled "Running Away". To kick things off, they blew confetti throughout the small crowd. Confetti & tickertape fired from canons throughout the set. It's a gimmick, but confetti at a rock show just makes the crowd happy.

+The band included: a harp, a kettle drum, a chorus, a violin, a baritone, a trombone, a trumpet, a coronet, a flute, a clarinet, a piccolo, two drum kits, keyboards, an upright bass, lead guitar, rhythm guitar, and a lead singer who must have read up on David Koresh and the Texas methodology for "getting em to join".

+After the first set, the band changed costumes, and surprisingly circulated throughout the crowd. Cliftonite "high fived" the majority of the band members.

+During the second set, Polyphonic Spree covered Nivana's "Lithium". This defied words.

+The entire spirit of the show was upbeat. The message was, "leave here happy". Contrast that feeling with the recent Interpol show (also attended) in which the band members kept the crowd waiting for around 90 minutes before starting and then "went through the motions".

Cliftonite did not want the Spree show to end, and leaving the stage with your fans wanting more is probably in the "Concerts 101" handbook.

The leader of this cult made a strong point at the end. That if you enjoyed the show, you should buy. Cliftonite believes in this new model: namely, that the studio work is made available in unencrypted MP3 format, that the band tours on the studio work, and that the RIAA mucky mucks in Manhatten have no entitlement to profits.

Therefore, the tightwad that is your blogger, coughed up all kinds of dough at the end of the show.

But the Spree wasn't done, they appeared on the main floor to sign totems for whomever asked.

Long live the Polyphonic Spree.

GRADE: A

This is Jeopardy!

Mr. Trebek: The category for Final Jeopardy is "LOSERS". We'll be back with the answer after these messages.

[kooky music]
[car advertisements]

Mr. Trebek: The category is "LOSERS". Here's the Final Jeopardy answer- Cleveland Browns, Seattle Seahawks, New England Patriots, & Kansas City Chiefs. Remember to phrase your response as a question. Good Luck.

[kooky music :30]

Mr. Trebek: Let's see what Cliftonite put down.
Cliftonite: Who dey?

Inland Empire

When was the last time you viewed a film that inspired a diagram?

David Lynch's, "Inland Empire" is a masterpiece. But, it takes more than one viewing to "get it". And, once you "get it" you can't explain it.

Laura Dern should have gotten Best Actress, but Hollywood doesn't exactly have an award for Best Actress. What Hollywood (the Oscars) has is an award for "Most Popular Actress". But, since they deal in subjectivity, it will be hard to nail em for it.

Mr. Lynch, this blogger hopes you have several more films to produce. Thank you for the break from the usual Hollywood Crap-ola.

Columbus Day

It is unclear to me why Columbus gets "a day". I have been to Columbus, it ain't all that.

Columbus has no geographic purpose, other than as the center of the state. Therefore, it's main "industry" is government, as it's theoretically equidistant from all edges of the state.

I think we all know how crummy "government as industry" is. But, the true hypocrisy here is, that on "Columbus Day" the government takes the day off!

Abolish Columbus Day- a cowtown like that does not warrant a national holiday.

Yeehaw! Why am I stupid?

Here we have an individual that came to the Brad Paisley concert. After the show, in the parking lot, he loads up his semi automatic and accidentally shoots himself in the foot.

This is NOT made up.

Why is this individual stupid? Because he shot himself in the foot? Or, because he attended a Brad Paisley concert? Bear in mind, Kountry music represents the worst of the United States.

This blog suggests his real crime is against humanity. Jeffrey Longfellow of Nicholasville, KY should be treated for the injury to his foot. He should be CHARGED with "poor musical judgement" for attending this concert.

Had he actually shot Brad Paisley, Jeffrey Longfellow should have been given an award. Possibly this was his intent when he loaded the gun- as in, "Crap! Why did I attend this show? I must take action and prevent others from listening to this garbage/attending these musically void concerts! I will assassinate Brad Paisley!"

So, how do we determine the intent of Mr. Longfellow in loading the gun? Simple, we obtain a warrant to search for Bengalberry paraphernalia. If the authorities find any Bengalberry items in Mr. Longfellow's possession, then they know he is stupid. Conversely, a lack of Bengalberry paraphernalia, and he must have known what he was doing. Award the man the key to the city.

Weddings & Funerals

Think about the logistics of a wedding:

Several people gather, usually at a church, for a ceremony uniting a man and a woman in holy matrimony. The ceremony ends and the entire group usually drives their personal automobiles to a 2nd location for a reception.

Now, the logistics of a funeral:

Several people gather, usually at a funeral home, for a ceremony to mark the end of someone's life. The ceremony ends and the entire group usually drives their personal automobiles to a 2nd location for a reception.

Why then, do we have funeral processions and not wedding processions? Why, do the authorities stop all other automotive traffic in order to keep a funeral procession together, while wedding attendees are "on their own" to find the 2nd location?

Because of the average age of those attending these ceremonies. Because the authorities know the elderly have difficulty functioning behind the wheel. Functioning behind the wheel requires too much concentration and is too complicated for your average senior citizen.

By the way, we (USA) have built an infrastructure dependent on this level of concentration. In addition, we have an aging population.

Do the math- this is NOT sustainable.

Single Mom Controversy Amongst Lefties

SNIFFED:

"Beth Galberg" wrote:

Oh , I see your point. Amanda would be so much better off if she'd been lucky enough to end up in a family like Marcus Feisel - one with such a great father. What a moron.

"William A." wrote:

Thats just great...just what the world needs 2 more kids without a father.....and one without a birth father...nothing to be proud of. How mindless !!!

"Pamela Black" wrote:

I guess you were never taught....if you do not have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.....how incredibly rude you are to make such a statement!

"William A." wrote:

Thats just great...just what the world needs 2 more kids without a father.....and one without a birth father...nothing to be proud of. How mindless !!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sydmom@aol.com
Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 12:50:02 -0400
Subject: It will be a girl Feb 2008
To: Alicia.Akin@nstarch.com; cyungbluth@fuse.net; acaciamae7@yahoo.com; awolpert@Hsr.com; lbeattyd@yahoo.com; bethgberg@yahoo.com; pam_black3160@yahoo.com; bmaxwell@cincyradio.com; bobbimaxwell@warm98.com; jeremy.braun@sableux.com; David.Brown@infores.com; carlaferrell@fuse.net; crickpenn@yahoo.com; dennisjmcfadden@fuse.net; kduggan@athletics.pitt.edu; tgoeke@deloitte.com; DGronauer@cinci.rr.com; gronauer@one.net; whineyblackdog@juno.com; james.cardin@anthem.com; JAN1AH@aol.com; Jared.McFadden@fds.com; jodibockenstette@yahoo.com; joe@porticomail.com; arlenej1223@yahoo.com; Kathie.Krueger@generalgrowth.com; Kathy.Krueger@generalgrowth.com; Kkrueger@generalgrowth.com; lwesseler@cinci.rr.com; laustin55@fuse.net; micahmcfadden@hotmail.com; SadieMcfadden@fuse.net; mmccullers@thecrew.com; mwells@nyrr.org; KNeal68418@aol.com; Dianna.Neidlinger@generalgrowth.com; mnicolletta@comcast.net; nicollettajd@oak-hill.usmc.mil; anicolletta@comcast.net; Olaf.Scheil@BASES.com; paulrobb2@gmail.com; Jeepbigyella@aol.com; tepowers@na.cokecce.com; Wendy.A.Rice@abc.com; windyrobinson@generalgrowth.com; windyrobinson@hotmail.com; s_gronauer@yahoo.com; olafscheil@hotmail.com; skoogj@sycamoreschools.org; Bryanskoog@hotmail.com; sladecampbell@optusnet.com.au; juliatillery@yahoo.com; jtillery@jyadvertising.com; tv_mogul@yahoo.com; wka656@hotmail.com; cwoodruff@southernsportsmed.com

I am due 2/9/08 with a new baby girl. I do not like any girl names but considering Madison calling her Maddy. I also like [thought you didn't like any girl names? ed] Gabriel, Lauren, Gwenth, Casey, Jacklynn and Brook so stay turn for more information. Amanda is still not officially adopted yet but it is close. Two kids in 2008....yeah.

Heather Wolff
513-470-9898

The Emporer Has No Clothes

As hordes of drunken Bengalberries converge on Cincinnati this evening, they will no doubt pass outdoor advertisements like this one depicting a drunk Bengalberry, in full regalia, and his apparent beverage of choice. Those of us firmly in the "Hey wait, we're getting screwed here" camp are left to wonder: is Budweiser touting their status as the primary cause of drunken Bengalberry-dom? And what is this "carefully crafted tradition?" LOSING?

***

In 1837, Hans Christian Andersen penned the story titled "The Emporer's New Clothes." In it, SWINDLERS convince a ruler (the emporer) they have created the finest fabric, but that the fabric is invisible to anyone who is stupid.

The emporer himself cannot see the fabric, but allows himself to be dressed in the fabric anyway to avoid being labeled "stupid." The TOWNSPEOPLE can't see the fabric either, but pretend as if they can, to avoid the same label.

Eventually, a child declares, "But [the emporer] has nothing on!"

***

Present day Cincinnati is an analogy of this story. The SWINDLERS- The Bengalberries themselves, Birthright Mikey Brown & his family, along with Bob Bengalhaus. The EMPORER(S)- Hamilton County elected officials of 1996, and the TOWNSPEOPLE- the majority of the residents of the Greater Cincinnati area.

It is so obvious our subsidy of these goons is a failure. Paying for tickets and attending this nonsense is tantamount to looking at a naked emporer and acting as if he's clothed.

GO PATRIOTS.

Reds season is over

The Reds baseball season has come to an end. The team finished an abysmal 72 up & 90 down- including 9 & 9 against the Chicago Cubs, which means I don't have to pay my miserable cousin $5. Unfortunately, the very same booty will not be transferred to my bank account either.

I attended 8 regular season Reds games this year, amongst 11 major league games overall. I saw 4 Reds wins and 4 Reds losses. The best game I saw was on 07.26, a bottom of the 10th walkoff single by Javier Valentin against the Brewers.

The Reds biggest problem, all season long, was the bull pen. In order to get help down there, I do not think ANY position player the Reds have should be "untouchable". Much to the contrary, I believe EVERYONE is on the table, except Brandon Phillips. Trade any combination of the rest of them for pitching, and fill the positions with the youngsters, such as Joey Votto, Jeff Keppinger, and Norris Hopper.

The end of baseball's regular season is always a somber occasion, it signals the coming coldness and darkness, anchored by the silliest time of the year. It is the final time the Reds broadcast team will call the play by play for the season on my radio.

So, I close my eyes, cross my fingers, and pray for 03.31.08- Reds vs Diamondbacks at the Great American Ballpark with the attendant opening day parade. I will ride my bike downtown that day, watch the F14s flyover, then go watch the game with the sound turned down, and the Brennamens turned up.

Hopefully, on 03.31.08, [that] one will belong to the Reds!

Communique to area Pigeons

Mr. Pigeon Commander- SUCCESS is ours!

Birthright Mikey Brown and Bob Bengalhaus are not happy with your fleet's actions. They are concerned about you and your brethren's "pooping" on Bengalberries at the publicly subsidized stadium.

Mr. Pigeon Commander, we applaud your unit's work, however, Birthright Mikey Brown seeks approval for violence in an effort to eliminate you along with your brethren. By his philosophy, when you poop on Bengalberries he loses money. Crazy, the guy has got plenty of money, but thats beside the point, you, although strange bedfellows with us, have the same objective: poop on Bengalberries. Like yourself, we feel thugs and their followers are not wild about poop in their hair and on their fancy Bengalberry apparel.

Now, here's the plan: Birthright Mikey Brown can trot out and fire his rifles BEFORE the game, however, there's NO WAY he's gonna use em once the Bengalberries begin filing into the Bengalberry stadium (which, by the way, was HEAVILY subsidized by Hamilton County taxpayers- to an intolerable degree).

So, what you do is, fly across the river to KENTUCKY. Take the ENTIRE fleet. We trust you have the hierarchy to communicate this message throughout the pigeon community.

Once you're safely in KENTUCKY, poop on everything you see.

Immediately after kickoff at the Bengalberry stadium, return to the rafters there and resume pooping on Bengalberries (many of which are actually KENTUCKIANS- it just gets weirder).

Godspeed,

Your human counterparts

Baseball stadium: Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, OH

Grade B

Stadium is in the streetgrid, making it accessible by MetroBus which is nice. It's also accessible by the water taxi, which is a neat way to go. Of course, most Cincinnatians reach for their car keys when heading to the game, but it's nice for the rest of us to have a more humanistic method for getting there.

The light stands are fantastic, the food is good and the place feels cozy. The space is used well, especially the concourses and such in the southern half of the stadium. The way the front offices and the Hall of Fame enclose the seating bowl to the north and west are a nice touch.

It would be nice to see more of the red sandstone, which faces Mehring Way, throughout the park, but this is not the primary problem this park has.

No, the primary problem with this park is the gimmicks- and chief among them is the cartoonish outfield. The "power stacks" and more recently the steamboat pavilion in the outfield are shameful gimmickry. Although not as bad as Kentucky's persistent "Hey! We have horses" campaigns, the "Hey! We have steamboats" campaigns are wearing thin on their own. As if thats not bad enough, the way the "power stacks" and the steamboat pavilion are put together is irregular and counter intuitive. These doodads have no place in a major league ballpark.

Other gimmicks include constant video, cheerleaders, and bad music. These drawbacks are not as severe because, if management were to wise up, they could turn off some video screens, send the cheerleaders back to the malls, and let the organist take over musical duties.

Grade B

hungry hippo

eggs, a little milk, some old celery, something that has turned blue, something that has turned green, a couple cans of sprite, an onion

***fridge scan complete***

results: theres nothing to eat here

Yippee!

Note to self:

It's easier written than done, but in the face of adversity, remain positive. It is the only option. To dwell in the miseries of life is only a waste of time. Now, thats not to say "be chipper everyday"- there are just bad days. But misery as a way of life has been tried in the past. When caught doing it now, find the way out, as opposed to staying in it one second longer than necessary.

Real Men of (Notso) Genius

Today we salute you- Mr. Bengalberry Jersey Wearer
-MR. BENGALBERRY JERSEY WEARER!

Your NFL franchise, in conjunction with a spurious County Commissioner, financially bilked your community
-WHAT TIME DOES TAILGATING START?

You eschew common clothing trends and put on colors more suitable for children
-9AM IS PERFECT TO START DRINKING!

You paid a 250% markup on the garment
-BUT HEY! IT'S OFFICIALLY LICENSED!

Your beloved Bengalberries have only had one winning season in the past 16yrs
-LUV ME SOME OCHO CINCO! WHO DEY?

"DEY" are the brutal thugs who abuse women, brandish firearms, and can't spell
-BUT IT'S FUN TO SCREAM WHEN I'M LOADED!

So, heres to you, Mr. Bengalberry Jersey Wearer- ignorance is bliss...
-SURE I CAN DRIVE HOME!

commission to avoid acting like sheeple, cincinnati, OHIO

drunk bengalberries in space

[the chris henry crib- a phone rings]

henry: yo
thurman: duh, i'm off the team.
henry: it's cool bro, this bengalberry has a plan.
thurman: duh, plan?
henry: we gonna apply to NASA! they party all the time at NASA!
thurman: der, yeah! i'll come pick you up!
henry: bring the 40s.

[click]

blogger's note: in an effort to keep this blog rated G, certain flamboyant language was omitted from this *not so* fictitious conversation.

i am ralph ludwig

[a computer terminal]

screen________________________________________________________________
thank you for your order...

billing information-
FirstName LastName
Address1
Address2
City ST ZIP

Credit card type
Credit card number
Credit card expiration

X Click here to agree to some legal mumbo jumbo
screen________________________________________________________________

user (head): i'd rather not do this. i don't want to lose my identity.
user (heart): but we need this item. it will improve our quality of life.

the new pledge of allegiance

i pledge allegiance to the petroleum that enables my sedentary lifestyle, and to the republic which stands addicted, one fat, lazy nation of strip malls, oblivious, with conspicuous consumption for all.

inside job

the idea behind collecting the trash from the residents' curbsides is to collect ALL OF THE TRASH. but you're always in such a hurry my dear sanitation worker.

in your haste, trash tends to fly about wildly. so if you pick up a container full of trash, and a couple coffee cups, banana peels, and cans of corn fly out- you should also pick those up and make sure they make it into the trashtruck. to leave that flotsam and jetsam behind is tantamount to littering which your very jurisdiction has laws against.

it's always an inside job isn't it? the santitation worker can litter, the healthcare worker can get treatment, and the attorney doesn't pay his bills on time.

sell now

a couple of this evening's headlines on money.cnn.com:

"yahoo disappoints again"
"intel tumbles as margins miss"

the "santa rally" in the final week of 2006 plus the run up so far in 2007 doesn't make any sense. this economy has serious issues with the price of energy, and yet the dow has reached an all time high in the last three sessions.

14000 is an overbought market. earnings season is here, and the headlines above suggest tech isn't going to make it. the sell off is at hand.

this blogger (investor) has money on the sidelines and plans to wait another year or so until the market finds it's bottom, to put those funds in play. investing now is asking for losses in shareprice.

if one feels determined to purchase corporate shares, then purchase PG BEFORE 07.20. you will qualify for the august dividend and be in a great position for the selloff, because people need soap, toilet paper, and detergent even during a bear market. the street knows this and it's only a matter of time until they seek safety in a company like PG.

another day at the office

can somebody! anybody? please stop this individual:



watching roger federer take his 11th grand slam at wimbledon today evokes the metaphor of him as MACHINE! what is he to do in that instant he secures another grand slam? falling on the ground, overwhelmed, almost seems like the act of a human being.

but a human being can't possibly play tennis like this!

after the the "emotion" of match point, the android simply picks up the hardware, kisses the hardware, then journeys "across the pond" to do it all over again. this is becoming a broken record.

andy roddick, where are you? this android is on a rampage and it wants to take the trophy from your country in 2007! channel the spirit of pete and andre and STOP HIM! for all of us...america needs you! humanity needs you!

couch potatoes

abc is pitching the following tv show:



the show is about getting healthy through exercise and diet. but, the following text is from the show's website:

"That's why exercise is an important part of your game plan to get healthier. And you have two goals: First, just be more active. TURN OFF THE TV, put down the video-game controller, walk away from the computer. Almost anything you do on your feet will burn more calories than any of those! Second, add exercise to your day by scheduling yourself a good daily workout."

does the text, "TURN OFF THE TV" seem a little hypocritical here? this is a TV show abc is attempting to get us to watch, with a theme of "TURN OFF THE TV". hello stupid?

cholesterol prayer

O HDL,
Thou art supreme and beneficent.
Thou will shall we follow,
Throughout our days,
Mercifully granted by thou.

Increase thyself within our arteries,
And forgive us for all those pizzas,
And chili, burritos, omelets, burgers, fried fish, etc, etc.
Help us to find and enjoy rabbit food.

Banish the evil one, LDL, to below 100.

May we one day reach your kingdom of health...

AMEN

dirty laundry

Steve says:
im not intending to make what you believe is my usual big deal about things, but...
Steve says:
did you really believe the garage door automatically closes?
Steve says:
or did you just say that to get me out of the garage last night?
Sally says:
seriously?
Steve says:
yes
Sally says:
Joe, the apartment manager told me if the doors stay open too long...they will automatically close
Steve says:
this morning you said it would still be open from last night
Steve says:
?
Sally says:
on the phone
Sally says:
scheduling a fundraiser
Steve says:
take your time
Sally says:
I was hoping for the best this morning
Sally says:
I know the guy that drives the white car leaves about 7am
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
what time did i leave this morning?
Sally says:
7:30ish
Sally says:
why?
Steve says:
thats about 15 minutes longer than the door would have stayed open
Steve says:
this is silly
Sally says:
yes it is silly
Sally says:
I don't understand what's gotten into you
Sally says:
what is this about, Steve?
Steve says:
im concerned
Steve says:
we can talk about it later
Sally says:
I'd rather talk about it now
Steve says:
between the conversation about your medicine while walking last week
Steve says:
and everything youve told me about your mother
Steve says:
im concerned you may lie to me about little things
Steve says:
for no good reason
Steve says:
and then never admit it
Sally says:
I can't believe this
Sally says:
I can't tell you how much you've just hurt me
Sally says:
I can't talk about this like this, though
Steve says:
the white car, by the way, was still in there
Steve says:
so the garage wasnt open because he left
Steve says:
how would you even know what time the white car left every morning?
Steve says:
?
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
ignore me
Steve says:
perfect
Sally says:
I just tried calling you
Sally says:
Steve?
Sally says:
what's going on? are you ignoring me now?
Steve says:
we can talk later
Sally says:
well, I would rather not spend the rest of the day tied up in knots, Steve
Steve says:
i dont know what more can be said
Sally says:
what does that mean?
Steve says:
i feel uncomfortable in the true sense
Steve says:
i feel strongly about what i said
Steve says:
if you are going to maintain your position
Steve says:
there is nothing more to be said
Steve says:
continue to ignore me and then be available at your convenience
Sally says:
I'm not ignoring you
Sally says:
I don't know how to respond to that
Sally says:
If you really feel this way about me though...I find it hard to believe that you could want to be with me
Sally says:
should I assume that I am correct?
Steve says:
chalk it up to another misunderstanding by an overly sensitive man
Steve says:
if you lie to me about little things
Steve says:
and then continue to maintain that lie
Steve says:
allowing me to feel uncomfortable
Steve says:
instead of relieving me
Steve says:
youre correct
Sally says:
I don't know what the solution is here, Steve
Sally says:
I don't lie to you
Sally says:
But if you are always going to think that....I don't know what to do
Sally says:
I just don't understand why it wouldn't cross your mind that I just might be wrong
Sally says:
instead I'm lying to you
Sally says:
I don't know what I did to make you distrust me the way you do.....but regardless of how much you love me and I love you...we have no future if you don't trust me
Steve says:
ok
Sally says:
ok?
Steve says:
your right
Steve says:
we have no future if I don't trust you
Steve says:
how were you wrong?
Steve says:
that crossed my mind
Steve says:
but how were you wrong?
Sally says:
so where does that leave us?
Sally says:
I must have been wrong about the garage door closing after 15 mins
Steve says:
how so?
Sally says:
well, it wasn't closed
Steve says:
wrong, because thats not what you were told?
Sally says:
no
Sally says:
because it wasn't closed
Steve says:
so, joe is wrong\
Sally says:
I probably just misunderstood him
Sally says:
he told me that when I first moved in
Sally says:
maybe it only happens in the winter time
Sally says:
I don't know
Sally says:
but I have left my garage door open and it has been closed when I've come back
Sally says:
this was last year when I actually used it
Sally says:
now, if it was automatic or the guy in the white car closed it
Sally says:
I don't know
Sally says:
I'm just completely blown away that you would think I would lie to you about a stupid garage door
Steve says:
how would you even know when the white car leaves?
Steve says:
its maddening
Sally says:
and that I just wouldn't be wrong about it
Steve says:
theres been too many little things
Steve says:
kept from me
Sally says:
because when I worked on the campaign...I would leave about 7:30am
Sally says:
and his car was always gone
Sally says:
that was last year though
Sally says:
and I only parked in the garage...on a regular basis....for a few months
Sally says:
are you there?
Sally says:
are you finished with this conversation?
Steve says:
im here
Steve says:
like most of our conversation, i dont know where to go from here
Steve says:
like most things, i most concede
Steve says:
or risk looking further like a paranoid schizophrenic
Steve says:
whereas you are always unscathed somehow
Sally says:
Steve, you don't have to do anything
Sally says:
and I don't know how I come out of these situations unscathed
Steve says:
youre faultless
Steve says:
its always my misunderstanding
Sally says:
I'm the one that feels untrusted
Sally says:
I'm not saying I'm faultless
Sally says:
I was wrong about the damned garage door
Sally says:
but what more do you want than that?
Sally says:
I was worng
Sally says:
wrong
Steve says:
i want what i feel like is the truth
Steve says:
without it we are nothing
Sally says:
well, I'm sorry you don't feel like you get the truth from me
Sally says:
but I am telling you the truth
Sally says:
I don't lie to you

fist bump

over the past 5 or 6yrs, ive become a germophobe. the dénouement in this transformation occurred when renephew coughed up a batch of ebola virus on a slice of pizza i was eating. from that point on, ive been "germ dodgin".

one way to pick up a nice batch of germs is to carry on with one of our society's daily conventions- the handshake. somewhere, the biggest germ that ever crawled the galaxy is thinking, "hooray for the handshake, my modus operandi!"

but, when someone extends his hand to complete this physical cliche, can a germophobe, even politely, decline?

not without snubbing the handshaker. and maybe the handshaker is someone the germophobe needs to keep around. so, the germophobe handshakes away, then looks to get into the can and wash up. what a conundrum.

enter the fist bump. this blogger hopes and prays that the fist bump replaces the handshake forevermore. for the stodgy set (luddites without feed readers, tone dialing, or internet access;) that insist on the handshake, cliftonite is backwards compatible.

and for those of you that have reached a higher level of enlightenment:

doctor doctor gimme the news

here's an item that ran on enquirer.com today:

GREEN TWP. - A female motorist passed out and crashed into a doctor's office this morning, a Hamilton County dispatcher said.

An ambulance was sent to the scene at 3248 Westbourne Drive, she said.

The driver crashed her car into the building about 10:45 a.m.

Late this afternoon, Green Township firefighters were reporting no serious injuries.

***

now, i'll refrain from how idotic "passing out and crashing into a building" sounds. i don't think we're getting the whole story there, but- whatever.

no, my real issue is the 2nd paragraph, "An ambulance was sent to the scene..."

you gotta be kidding...it's a DOCTOR'S OFFICE! can't one of the "white coated ones" come up front and stitch up this chick?

also, i realize this blog entry gets awfully close to the nonsense that goes on at cincinnati.blogspot.com, wherein the guy simply links to the news and offers some inane comments. please forgive me for any resemblance to that blog's world of regurgitation. however, i will offer this defense: at least i'm not making website regurgitating a way of life here...

fashion plate

setting fashion trends is one of this blogger's core competencies. for example, reflect back to the "floral with plaid" craze from the summer of 2005.

that was me. i started that.

"floral with plaid" got so big, that by summer 2006 EVERYONE was doing it. but follow the fad from it's roots: the 2006 crowd was behind the curve, and i had already moved into a more avante garde application. sycophants, "floral with plaid" was sooo 2005.

however, this memorial day weekend (2007), i witnessed something that gave me pause- a manchild, in "plaid with camoflauge". nice job.

to you, manchild, congratulations. but, staying on top in the fashion world is the hard part. enjoy this victory, but fashion moves quickly, and this blogger moves quicker. can you smell what j-pac is cooking?

buffet strategy

when visiting a food buffet a little strategy can help you get the most for your money. here is a strategy i have successfully used at the kingsgate conference center:

+ALWAYS use the first plate for a leafy green salad. when creating the plate, avoid any pastas that may be in the salad bar. just leafy greens with things like cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. salad dressing and cheese ARE allowed.
+on the second plate, head for the entrees, but avoid the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. the idea is to experience as many flavors as the buffet has to offer without taking on the carbs.
+the third plate is the big one...pick your favorites from the second plate, or try things you didn't get to yet. go nutz! and eat the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. it's carb time!
+after the third plate, order a cup of black coffee and relax for 15 minutes.
+return to the dessert buffet and go nutz!

this strategy has served me well during my trips to kingsgate's buffet. they charge $12 so i'm inclined to make the trip count. as a bonus, working out about an hour before the trip also aids the consumption.

try this strategy and post a comment if it works for you!

biotechnology

how would an organization, such as the RIAA, monitor my thoughts? clearly, the RIAA, the US Government, and others, desire this type of surveillance and their keys to achieving it are the disciplines of biotechnology and nanotechnology. but, these organizations know they cannot implant tracking devices or brain wave monitoring equipment via public campaign. they know employing biotech to track citizens must be done surreptitiously and covertly.

enter the gastroenterologist. or, alternately, the gastroenterologist will enter you.

***

according to cancer.org, a gastroenterologist is:

"a doctor who specializes in diseases of the digestive (gastrointestinal) tract"

extending cancer.org's definition: in pursuit of curing these diseases, a gastroenterologist performs varying medical procedures, depending on the pathology detected. specifically, two of these procedures are used in screening the colon-

+flexible sigmoidoscopy &
+colonoscopy

the screening involves a camera inserted into the patient's rectum by the gastroenterologist.

***

could you possibly have a polyp? should you get screened via one of these procedures? creating this fear is the first step in the government's biotech surveillance plan.

in fact, gastroenterologists are government operatives of the CIA. the government and other agencies seek to hook you with this fear of disease. they then use gastroenterologists as the vehicle for implanting a nano-tracking device in your colon. and, so you're never aware of what they're actually doing, they put you on drugs like demerol, causing you to become disoriented and to forget the entire procedure. to reinforce their original story, they produce reports from a computer detailing your colon. then, they encourage you to bring in others, friends & loved ones, for screening too. they will not rest until everyone has the "screening" and there are stories of them resorting to abduction of those who do not participate willingly. after all, when you shoot em up with demerol, they're not going to remember the abduction either...

now, with the nano-tracker operating from your colon and unbeknownst to you they will monitor your location. since the nano-tracker also monitors your brainwaves, they can essentially "read your mind" and control you too.

gastroenterologists enable mind control for the US Government. they are now the THOUGHT POLICE... anything they desire is possible. for instance, the IRS will know EXACTLY how much to confiscate from you and you better not fudge a dime on your return...

***

spotting a resistor is relatively easy, they're usually the ones willing to bend or even break rules. conversely, those members of the public that the gastroenterologists have already gotten to usually exhibit behaviors such as stopping at yellow lights, walking in straight lines, and refusing to "loosen up". when you look into their eyes, it's like nobody's home and they NEVER tell jokes or goof around.

abandon them, they're not worth the trouble...but save yourself and purchase a combination lock for your rectum. DO NOT share the combination with anyone, you wouldn't want it known to someone already compromised.

scrutinize your gastroenterologist carefully before sharing your combination and going in for a screening. heed this warning, it is your only hope.

thought police

a friend received a troubling e-mail from the RIAA today. the friend has gone into hiding. the e-mail was provided to me, and simply reading it probably puts me on the RIAA's "enemies list". if you're concerned about being put on their list, stop here.

i want to assure my devoted fans that i intend to fight this kind of nonsense. although it didn't happen directly to me, I AM A FREE THINKER, which scares the RIAA. but, if no one hears from me over the next week or so, theres a possibility i have been abducted by their jack booted thugs, simply for reading this material, forwarded to me. this blog is intended to publicize their threats in the event i am abducted.

we WILL THINK FOR OURSELVES, FIGHT THE POWER!

now, here is the e-mail, in full, with headers:

Return-Path: [mbainwol@riaa.com]
X-Original-To: [address withheld]
Delivered-To: [address withheld]
Received: from cliftonite.moderncs.net (localhost [127.0.0.1])
by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix) with ESMTP id 370F91981E
for [address withheld]; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:20:39 -0400 (EDT)
Received: by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix, from userid 65534)
id 1EC9D28858; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:20:39 -0400 (EDT)
Received: from mail.riaa.com (cliftonite.moderncs.net [192.168.20.20])
by cliftonite.moderncs.net (Postfix) with SMTP id 975AB1981E
for [address withheld]; Tue, 15 May 2007 17:05:19 -0400 (EDT)
From: mbainwol@riaa.com ["Mitch Bainwol, Chairman/RIAA"]
To: Name Withheld [address withheld]
Subject: RIAA royalties
Message-Id: <20070515210519.975ab1981e@cliftonite.moderncs.net>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2007 17:05:19 -0400 (EDT)
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Mr. [withheld]:

The Recording Industry Association of America is the trade group that represents the U.S. recording industry. Its mission is to foster a business and legal climate that supports and promotes our members' creative and financial viability.

To this end, we use several methods. One of our methods is deterrence of those who trade music files they have not paid for. However, recently, we have also engaged in deterrence of those who get bad songs stuck in their heads. It is our opinion, that when a bad song is stuck in your head, you're still listening to it, and therefore royalties are due.

It has come to our attention you have recently had the following bad songs stuck in your head in 2007:

B52s- "Love Shack"/05.10.2007/walking on McMillan Ave
Pink Floyd- "Money"/04.28.2007/Kroger Spring Grove grocery trip
Enrique Iglesias- "Hero"/04.18.2007/Plane flight to New York City
Milli Vanilli- "Girl You Know It's True"/04.04.2007/Metro Bus ride for downtown errands
Offspring- "Low Self Esteem"/03.24.07/On the road to Louisville with Cuz
R.E.M.- "Everybody Hurts"/03.05.07/Network gig
Tears For Fears- "Sowing the Seeds of Love"/02.21.07/couchbound waiting for UK basketball to come on
Neil Diamond- "Coming to America"/02.01.07/shower
Michael Jackson- "Black or White"/01.15.07/cleaning upstairs toilet

These are samples and do not constitute the complete list. The complete list will be forwarded to you by our attorneys as we begin the financial, punitive damage phase of our lawsuit.

As you are aware, all music, even BAD MUSIC, is protected by the RIAA. Bad music stuck in your head is considered "stolen" in the eyes of the RIAA. It is in this context that we file this civil suit against you. In no way does the RIAA claim responsibility for producing bad music.

Thank you for your attention to this matter...our attorneys will be in touch with you.

Mitch Bainwol
Chairman/CEO Recording Industry Association of America
511 Lexington Ave
Suite 7700
New York, NY 10017

summer meteorology

this week, for the first time in 2007, we have witnessed the summer weather pattern. amazingly, i had a better idea of how the weather would play out than the brainiac's with the dopplers employed by the local news channels. seriously, check it out:

derek beasley (sp?) of channel 5 started telling me on monday that rain would come tuesday PM. but, i've lived through a couple summers to this point and viewed enough of derek and his cohorts' misinformation to know better.

you see, derek is an automaton and storms make a great tease. during the summer weather pattern, he looks at his dopplers, frontal boundaries, and humidity levels and he knows rain will develop. but consider his industry- info/tainment. derek's real job is ratings and the pathetic truth is: no TV meteorologist wants to UNDERESTIMATE a storm. furthermore, if he OVERESTIMATES he can then tease, tease, tease.

"storms will move through the area later and could produce lightening, hail, and flash flooding. more on that, after these messsages."

it's the alarmist nature of TV news- plain and simple.

so, here's how to interpret what derek and his infobabes are telling you at noon, 5, 530, 6 & 11.

when derek says, RAIN! STORMS! HIGH WINDS! and HAIL! for tuesday PM but there is not a bow echo on radar, then add 24hrs before expected weather. in the example, derek is really saying wednesday PM.

this logic is trumped by the strong fronts- if you see a bow echo on radar coming from the northwest- take cover.

but, 90% of the time, that bow echo just isn't there. 90% of the time the humidity builds first and the high pressure area is not strong enough to push through as a bow echo. so, everyday derek comes on predicting RAIN! STORMS! HIGH WINDS! and HAIL! but no bow echo is present- add another 24hrs. in the example from above, we tune in again wednesday and find high humidities sans a bow echo- now weather is thursday PM. this loop can repeat for a week.

it is extremely rare for the high pressure center to develop over your particular area.

until that sweet canadian air can gather and come on through, it's a soupy heatwave and the derek beasley's from info/tainment-land should stick their dopplers where the sun don't shine- assuming they can figure out where that is.

whether or not they can find that place, they should quit misleading us in the name of selling replacement windows, SUVs, more SUVs, still more SUVs, and carpeting.

finally, the model works in reverse too. derek may say something to the effect of, "after this front moves through we will cool off for X days." usually he will give a 7day outlook showing the cooler period. always subtract 24hrs from the cooler period. so, if derek shows you 3 cool days- you're actually only going to get 2 before the return of the humidity.

apply this method to the summer of 2007 for a more accurate forecast.

cliff notes

to the immediate north of my home is a cliff. not like "grand canyon" cliff, but it's a cliff just the same.

this spring, it would seem a possum has taken MY CLIFF up as it's (don't know the gender) residence. i did NOT move to the city to put up with big game.

so, not since the raccoon battle of 1998 have i faced off against the furry critters of cincinnati. that experience went from "territory marking" all the way to critter control with their associated invoices. this time, i don't want to hire them, so tonight i have begun a random course of indiana gunpowder...you call em fireworks.

we'll see if occasional *ka-booms* are able to move this freakshow to a different cliff.

either it moves, or i move.

when manipulating markets for profit- remember to segment!

Here are the "official" versions of Microsoft's latest Office Suite:

+Microsoft Office 2007 Home and Student Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Standard Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Small Business Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Professional Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Professional Plus Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Enterprise Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Ultimate Edition

In addition, we have the following versions of Microsoft's latest operating system:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Starter Edition (not available in the United States, Canada, the European Union, Australia, New Zealand, or other high income markets as defined by the World Bank.)
+Microsoft Windows Vista Home Basic Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Business Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate Edition
+Microsoft Windows Vista Enterprise Edition

OK, I'll translate the World Bank thing for you...they're GIVING AWAY Microsoft Windows Vista Starter Edition in certain countries- why? because in China and India especially, Linux as desktop is gaining market share at an alarming rate. But, throw in the "high income" garbage and you get to look like an altruistic corporate citizen. What a bunch of baloney.

Anyway, there are 7 versions of Office and 6 versions of Windows. I decided thats not enough and offer the following versions Microsoft should also release:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Extra Expensive Edition
+Microsoft Office Goofball Edition
+Microsoft Office 2007 Over The Rhine Edition with Crackpipe Plugin designed for Microsoft Windows Vista Blight and Slum Version (warning: as with ALL other Microsoft titles, these Editions and Versions ARE NOT bulletproof!)
+Microsoft Office 2007 Unprofessional Backtalk Edition with Tourette's Syndrome voice recognition module ..@*+$%!
+Microsoft Office 2007 Monday thru Friday 8a- 6p with Nights and Weekends add on Pack Edition Plus Kentucky Framework Edition Pack and sometimes Y
+Microsoft Office 2007 Thanksgiving Edition with a side of Gravy Packet Feature configured for Microsoft Windows Vista Biscuit Edition running Cheesemuffin Client
+Microsoft Windows Vista Petroleum Edition (available in the United States only) SUV Version and Godzilla SUV Version

...and the funniest one of em all:

+Microsoft Windows Vista Open Source Edition!

Let me know if you think I missed any versions and I will post em here.

don't fake the flava

im not sure what the deal is, occasionally i find myself in the company of adults, who eat like children.

here is what i'm fixing today:

JACKSON'S CHICKEN CREOLE

2 Tbsp butter
half a medium green pepper, chopped
2 medium onions, chopped
.5 cup chopped celery
1lb 4oz-can tomatoes
.5 tsp pepper
1.5 tsp salt
3 red (cayenne) peppers
1 cup water
2 Tbsp corn starch
1 tsp sugar
1.5 Tbsp cold water
2 cups cooked and cubed chicken
6 green or black olives sliced

1- melt butter in slow cooker. add green pepper, red (cayenne) pepper,
onions, and celery. heat.
2- add tomatoes, pepper, salt and 1 cup water.
3- cover, cook on high while preparing remaining ingredients.
4- combine cornstarch and sugar. add 1.5Tbsp cold water and make a smooth
paste. stir into mixture in slow cooker. add chicken and olives.
5- cover, cook on low 2- 3 hours.

i have served this to others and eaten it for lunch at one of my clients' locations. i have heard these remarks,

"i can't eat that."
"i had to throw out that bowl you fixed for me, it was too spicy."
"what is that green stuff in there?"

these statements came from ADULTS.

it seems there is a demographic that eats only "fried and cheese". it also seems many of the members of this demographic are ADULTS.

it was also put to me once that, "if it doesn't go 'moo moo' or 'oink oink' i ain't eating it." this was spoken by an ADULT.

cmon, if you're over the age of 18, you oughtta be able to develop your palate beyond "fried and cheese". try various items and get a sense of the flavors available. try various items besides pizza and cheesburgers and quit crying. your colon will thank you.

so turn off that episode of scooby doo, put down that candybar, cook up the recipe above and stop faking the flava. or, keep living in your world of bacon, i'll catch up with you after dinner.

OPEN LETTER

Dear Uncle Sam,

I got your yearly notification regarding my status in the Social Security program. Thank You, it means so much.

However, I'm concerned about the program. Enough so, that I would rather not participate anymore. No hard feelings Sammy, I'm just not sure its the right direction for my retirement.

So, heres what I was thinking:

+Let me out of the program, like you do your direct employees. I would no longer pay in.
+Keep everything I have sent you to this point. Consider it a gift. You do not need to pay me back interest, principal, or otherwise.

I think the deal is fair. I'm sure you've wisely watched after all that dough I've sent you and that it is growing steadily. Use it for the others, no strings attached!

Remember Sammy, as I've worked for you over the decades, I've become smarter, wiser. I'm controlling more of the details of our little deal- even to the point of doing my own payroll now. So why don't you make this easier on both of us?

Looking forward to seeing you April 15th,

Jason

a day in the void

i wrote "pizza cake" to mean "piece of cake",
the error was intentional.

although one emerges from the void,
part of one can remain in the void.

put another way-
pizza mingles with one's spirit
and one's spirit mingles with the void.

it can remain that way for some time,
like after looking at the sun
and closing your eyes-
you still see the sun floating in your vitreous fluid, correct?

so it is with corn pizza
(the road to hell is paved with maize)
and soy skillets
(soybeans are a tool of satan).

rolling on, you realize:
agriculture has gotten the best of you,
you've changed.

that can't be helped now,
do not dwell.
for the hoosier night brings hallucinations
of signs reading "Cincinnati."

finally- it is clear:

on the eighth day DOG was 99% done with earth,
all that was left to finish was NW indiana.
and DOG said, "forget it, i'm tired."

christmasphobia

occasionally, friends and family accuse me of being a "scrooge"...while i do loathe the silly season- i find this term highly offensive.

in fact, i am a victim...my affliction? christmasphobia.

for example: as a christmasphobe, i believe the impulse to hang lights is not, in fact, celebratory. rather, it is the fat, dumb, american's tendency when his part of the world turns COLD AND DARK. consequently, i am unable to silence christmasphobia's voice inside my head, repeating endlessly:

"christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption. christmas light displays are euphemistic for increased energy consumption."

trying to square this voice with my longing for "fitting in" creates great conflict- conflict rooted in christmasphobia. on several occasions, i have attempted to setup a manger scene in my yard with a plastic mary, joseph and baby jesus, but have failed due to the condition. i retreat into a world of anxiety, driven by the demands of materialism.

society will one day offer "programs" and "assistance" for those of us diagnosed with this malady- a malady of isolation manifested by the scorn of friends and family. when names like "scrooge" get tossed around it undermines not only a singular christmasphobe's confidence and ability to succeed, but that of an ever growing mass of fellow christmasphobes.

it's difficult living with chrismasphobia and society is beginning to recognize that. cutting edge studies are underway to measure this growing disorder. the finest researchers all across our fine academic institutions in this country have undertaken the effort to shine the light of science on christmasphobia's genetics and triggers. academia is our only hope for defining this demographic and eventually getting us the help we so desperately need- help in the form of "programs" and "assistance" in conjunction with pills from the likes of merck and pfizer.

until we know more, please do not rush to conclusions about christmasphobes- we are kind, generous and loving people that just need to be loved.

my vision is that, one day, we will no longer have to hear the "s" word. until then, we have a lot of work to do.

signs

ive noticed several signs posted or rules printed that give
me pause-

"rough road"
at times i could swear i'm on a rough road, the automobile i'm riding in is tossing about and the suspension system is taking a beating, but no "rough road" sign is posted. so, the crew that posts the "rough road" signs is doing a terrible job, or i don't understand the threshold for which a road has become rough enough to deserve a sign. in any event, i have a better idea- post signs for the opposite, smooth road. in cincinnati, you'll have ALOT less mileage to cover which should make it easier to manage.

"resume legal speed"
i didn't know there were exceptions to the speed limit, kinda figured it was one of those absolute deals. when i see the "resume legal speed" sign, i'm left to wonder if i couldn't have been making better time up to that point. if i pass through the same corridor later on, and i know the "resume legal speed" marker is coming, can i floor it until i get there? i'm pretty sure the answer is NO, i should be driving the legal speed at all times rendering the sign unnecessary.

"drug free zone"
i thought drugs were illegal in all zones. it would seem all a crack dealer would need to know is: where are the boundaries of the drug free zone? go another couple feet beyond the boundary and setup shop! then again, this might be too sophisticated for their clientele.

"illegal items"
this can be found at the entrance to paul brown stadium. it is on the stadium's prohibited list. it sorta goes with the "drug free zone", however, in this case we're given some indication of the boundary. if you can't bring illegal items into the stadium then presumeably the area just outside the stadium must be where you can have your AK47s, tax free income, and open containers of booze...oh wait a minute, if the bengalberries are playing that day you CAN have open containers of booze outside the stadium but you definitely CANNOT bring them in (they're illegal afterall). although an open container of booze is an "illegal item" throughout the rest of hamilton county, on gameday this "illegal item" transforms into a "legal item" without somuch as an event area. personally, i have see bengalberry fans as far north as 9th street with this type of "illegal item". i'm left to wonder if your average drunk cincinnatian could uncork his mad dog at say, the dude energy center.

"no parking 4- 6p"/"no parking all other times"
this should be an easy one for the city of cincinnati to straighten out. on 9th street between race & elm there is a rush hour lane...not unusual, no parking 4- 6p is fairly common on the outbound portions of the street grid (7- 9a on the inbound portions). however, there is a second, more sinister sign which reads, "no parking all other times" posted here. i'm thinking you could just put up one sign which reads, "no parking" and eliminate some confusion.

"place stamp here/the post office will not deliver mail without postage"
i've always wondered, if the mail is for local delivery, couldn't i put the address i'm sending to as the return address, then some bogus address as the delivery address and skip the postage? i'm assuming the post office would get the item and enforce its policy, returning it to the return address with postage due. but, when they do that, they've fallen into my diabolical scheme because thats who i wanted to recieve the item in the first place. if this ruse works, then, in fact, the post office has delivered mail without postage.

"winery this exit"
when traveling from cincinnati to louisville on I71, there is a state of kentucky sign informing you that exit 34 will get you to a winery. this seems really screwed up to me, the majority of people that see the sign are DRIVING. most automobiles i observe on this highway (all highways) are occupied solely by the driver. but the matter is complicated by the fact the state of kentucky put the sign inplace while simultaneously imposing a law that a driver's blood alcohol content above .08 is dangerous and therefore illegal. should the state of kentucky be engaging in this duplicity?