Blagojevich Resignation Speech

Rod Blagojevich and his hair

The Cliff Blog has obtained a draft of the upcoming "Hot" Rod Blagojevich resignation speech. It is reprinted here as a perk to Cliff Blog readers:

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"Greetings everyone. Greetings to the citizens of Illinois, the United States, and the world. "Season's Greetings" to the citizens of Illinois, the United States, and the world.

"I'm sure you are aware that this administration faces tough allegations. Allegations which will eventually be proven false. However, the allegations have affected this administration's ability to govern, and I, Rod Blagojevich, am hereby resigning my position as Governor of the State of Illinois.

"I would like to take this opportunity to offer some additional information in the form of three points.

"Firstly, during my term as Governor of Illinois, I have found it ironic how such a screwed up and corrupted state, could build such a fantastic city, namely Chicago. How, over the decades of scandal, did we manage to create such an intricate place of architecture blended with those crazy stuffed crust pizza pies? It really defies imagination.

"Secondly, for all those haters: this morning, I issued the Illinois Governor's executive order number 312-708-773-847 which officially abolishes the Chicago Cubs. Local fans seem OK, however, there are legions of "wannabes" throughout the country that, frankly are getting on everyone's nerves. My recommendation to those fans which are NOT annoying, is to start following the Cincinnati Reds. I mean, with Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips, Jay Bruce, Edinson Volquez, Johnny Cueto, etc...what's not to like? They're a really cool team and every so often they win the World Series!

"GO REDS!

"In any event, a demolition crew will begin work at 1060 W Addison in early 2009. By opening day, the ballpark will no longer exist. Neither will the team. By 2010, we will have built "The Shoppes of Wrigley Towne Centre" at the site. You're going to want to bring your SUV to this development, for all the crap you're gonna buy!

"Finally, the hair is real, and it is FABULOUS!

"Thank you, and good night!"

Beijing, you're very clever

Hello, China! We have learned how to pronounce the name of your one horse town- Beijing. We get it. You're very clever.

Now, here's something for you to learn for 2016:

IPA: /Chiˈcaːgo/

Put down your chopsticks, its time for the stuffed crust...

Destiny in Battle Creek

Recently, Barack Hussein Obama gave another one of his electrifying speeches- this time in Battle Creek, MI. He was no doubt catering to the sugar cereal lobby during the speech. The Cliff Blog has obtained a transcript of the speech and it is reprinted here:

"Heeeelllooooooo! Cereal City!"

crowd applauds wildly- 90sec

"Ladies and gentlemen of Battle Creek- I come to you tonight to report things are not well in our great country. That the economy is a shambles, that costs are up, and that some people are finicky eaters.

"This is the bad news, but I want to assure you, that together, we can take the steps necessary and enact change in our great country.

crowd applauds- 30sec

"It starts with ending our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'. All of us, need to reach out, and try new flavors and textures.

"For instance, I met a man in Birmingham, Obama, er, Alabama that wouldn't eat anything green (except for a bowl of Green Apple PebblyPuffs) and he adamantly said to me:

'If it's not a bowl of sugar cereal, or it doesn't go "moo moo" or "oink oink" I ain't eating it!'

"This same man professed his love for Sugar Smacks, CoCo Crispberrycruchies, and Choco-Marshmallowarifics- all produced here, in Battle Creek. He also mentioned consuming copious volumes of Cheetos and incidentally, he was around 5'10" and weighed 350lbs.

crowd becomes restless

"My opponent knows this exact same truth: that the junk food diet of the USA is killing us. But, his solution is to close down Battle Creek. To close the Frosted Diddlies factory, to close the Fruity Nut Explosions plant, and finally, to kill Count Chocula himself!

crowd boos

"But, citizens of Battle Creek, Michigan- I stand before you to report that this approach is not the answer. That my opponent is misguided and wrong.

crowd's ears perk up

"No, Battle Creek, I want to retrain the sugar cereal industry here, creating vouchers for retraining programs! We can put people to work and create jobs right here in Battle Creek! People can work to create foods that Americans will have to try if we're going to end our dependence on food groups such as 'fried', 'cheese', and 'sugar cereals'!

crowd senses a handout and begins cheering again

"The citizens of Battle Creek are too intelligent and can work producing flavorful dishes such as sushi and side items such as steamed broccoli! That the citizens of Battle Creek can create minced onion, the building blocks for Thai food, and spinach for the stuffed crust pies of Chicago, Illinois! Which, by the way, is a redneck town filled with a bunch of losers.

crowd applauds wildly- 60sec

"The production costs for a box of Jelly Booberries are eight times the costs for a decent priced Indian buffet. Someone has to supply all those Indian Buffets with the raw materials for Chicken Vindaloo. You, Battle Creek, Michigan can supply those Indian Buffets after the United States helps you understand what a curry is!

crowd applauds wildly, whistling, chanting- 90sec

"So, to you, citizens of Battle Creek, I say 'Let's change! Let's fight! and Let's take back the American stool!'

"Thank you, and good night!"

crowd goes coo coo for cocoa puffs, women faint, men salute- 5min

KY rebrands

From a recent speech by Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear:

"Citizens of the Commonwealth, we have got to do something about all these ponies all over the place. We've put the pony on the KY quarter, we've put the pony on the license plates, we've painted pony murals throughout our great commonwealth, we've built the pony park, commissioned statues of ponies, and we have the pony games.

"I mean, let's face it, the derby is only 2minutes long! And it goes down in a one horse town!

"What's next? Are we going to put Mr. Ed on the state flag?

"But seriously, the rest of the country is beginning to think our state IS a one trick pony. So, it's time to pony up and play on some of our other notorieties.

"Therefore, I unilaterally announce the changing of our license plates, beginning in 2009:

"Let freedom ring! If you don't like 2nd hand smoke, don't go out in KY! It's all about freedom!

"Thank you *cough cough* and goodnight."