Grocery Strategy

+NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the grocery on the 1st or 15th of the month.

+Upon entering the grocery, head directly to the deli (if deli items are desired and there isn't one of them new fangled computer deli ordering doodads up front). It's possible you will find NO ONE in line and can get your items quickly. Afterward, you can double back to the produce section.

+Go ahead and walk the entire store, every aisle, unless you're on a beer run. Otherwise, there's no reason to turn into "provisions commando," targeting only those items in your head. Go through each aisle, methodically, it might jog your memory about something you need. For instance, the pet food aisle might remind you that you have a dog.

+Go to the grocery on a regular basis, so that you can stock your pantry. If a snow storm or some other hazard comes about, you'll be ready. You can even skip occasions when everyone else is going bonkers because someone 80miles away saw a snowflake.

+When approaching the check out lanes, you may as well be trying to read tea leaves relative to which lane will get you out of there the quickest. Clearly, you should obey the express lane rules. Other than that, the only advice here is that if you have alcohol in your cart, look for a lane with an older scanner. Otherwise, you can wind up with a teenybopper that needs to call in a senior scanner for your booze, which can hold things up.

+Times change, and apparently, those that take the store up on "paper or plastic"? are now oucasts. If you want to avoid the dirty looks, better get on the politically correct train to owning your own (reusable) grocery bags.

Post It Rant

If you write on a post-it note, you should remove the sheet you write on. This is the design of the post-it note. It is FUNDAMENTAL. If you're keeping a journal, diary, etc, then get a notepad. I get highly annoyed [sic] when I want to use a nearby post-it note, only to find I must remove the top sheet, make my notes on the next sheet, remove that sheet, then replace the top sheet (aka the BULL sheet) so someone else returns to a post-it note stack which appears undisturbed.

So, next time, I'm throwing the top sheet in the shredder, and you'll be on your own to remember to restock on Tuck's Pads when you're at the supermarket.

Checkout

No one ever pays any attention to the light. Go ahead and turn your light off, it won't make any difference, because if there is a clerk scanning groceries, people are going to line up.

What does this tell you? It tells me you should keep that checkout lane open, and it tells you the same thing.

So, take your smoke break after the rush is over- or better yet, skip the smoke break and bring some carts in from the parking lot.

The Fountain of Nonsense

A post office is next door to a laundromat. Thats apparent from the exterior. Even a 2 yr old could look at the post office and make the appropriate synaptic connections required to determine that, indeed, a laundromat is nextdoor.

But, step into the post office and you forget that the laundromat is nextdoor. Maybe it has something to do with the fact, that as you approach the post office, the laundromat moves from your direct vision to your peripheral vision, then it moves completely out of your field of vision as you get to the line drawn by the 10ft radius from the door of the post office. And, really, that only applies if you come in perpendicular, like from the gas station.

So, you're inside the post office,

	and maybe you've been going to this post office for 10yrs
	and maybe you've always noticed that it smelled really nice in there.

***
When something is taken for granted, obliviousness, such as a life in the "land of plenty" or a "nice smell"...well, it really hurts to have the tables turned.

***
At what point do you change into your "stretchies" after work? This question does not apply to my "scrubs" friends.

Sometimes I find myself in work clothes several hours after the shift.

***
Donelda "lived vertical" and, at times this simple fact of her life made her feel like she was "losing her mind". For instance, there were countless occasions when she felt the need to go to a different floor of her home. However, upon arriving on the alternate floor, she immediately forgot why she had used the stairs in the first place.

Was she there to fetch paper clips, or a screw driver, or a screwdriver? Bewildered, she often found other, less immediate things to do on that floor- with the hope the original intention would resurface. If it didn't, she could find herself back on the floor where she started, only to undergo a "deja vu" by being back in that environment. This could eventually turn into a sisyphus style experience:

:LOOP
remember, stairs, forget, stairs
:goto LOOP

No need to make a comment like, "Hey Donelda, keep things such as paperclips, screw drivers, and screwdrivers on every floor!" She's already done that, genius.

Furthermore, she doesn't use "goto" when she programs either. It's only a hypothetical to describe the sisyphus thing, dig?

***
Scrubs, by the way, are a compromise between employees and management. Employees, outside of those that actually provide healthcare, like the generous fit (fer crying out loud, they're like wearing pajamas!) and employers, at one time, had to keep them happy.

***
In the end, it's really critical to write something, anything. Those that cannot write, cannot live [completely].


***
WARNING: This fountain never goes off.

Apparel Problem

Imbecile

What is wrong with this individual? Many amongst us resent someone with these sort of natural good looks, but that's not his biggest problem. His biggest problem is that he wears the logos of two teams in conjunction, a critical error in judgement.

Time and time again, this fashion faux pas rears it's ugly head. Who are these imbeciles, who, when planning their ensemble for a public outing, choose to wear two logos? Do their mothers lay these outfits out on their beds for them? It's just sick and wrong.

Read one (of many) of the Cliff Blog's fashion laws, here and now:

+NEVER, under any circumstances, do you wear two logos at once.
+There is no exception for "God's teams," the Cincinnati Reds, and UK (basketball) Wildcats!
+All other logos are included. For instance, a NASCAR ball cap with a San Diego Chargers TShirt is just as unacceptable.
+Sneaker logos should match any other athletic clothing logos. Adidas sneakers are acceptable with an Adidas cap. Adidas sneakers are not acceptable with a Nike cap.
+Sneaker logos are pervasive. Any sneaker logo is acceptable with any other, single, non athletic logo. For instance, Adidas sneakers are acceptable with a Cincinnati Reds cap.
+Multiple logos can be displayed if they are for the same team. For instance, a Cincinnati Reds TShirt is acceptable with a Cincinnati Reds cap.
+Any Bengalberry logo is unacceptable, inexcusable, and downright preposterous. You're basically saying, "Look at me, I have no ability to reason. I support millionaire thugs and their babysitters."

Unfortunately, there is an enforcement issue involved here. The Cliff Blog lacks the authority to correct this moronic behavior. So, you will be on your own to "self regulate" (kinda like Wall St). But, know this: should you fail and violate this fundamental fashion law, others will sneer, chuckle, and possibly prejudge you (correctly) as a clown of the highest degree.

Wildlife, the U.S. Mint, and trivia during the Silly Season

Intro- during the trip south for the silly season, some minutiae occurred...

Rolling down 75S in a torrential down pour on twelve twenty four can be hazardous to your health. But twelve twenty four is what it is, and after arriving safe and sound, which was even money at the outset of the ride, the annual ceremonies commenced in sequence. Amidst all that fal-duh-ral, various ephemeral cash transactions were made. You know the types of goods and services, everyday stuff at the Speedway or Taco Tico or Marika's on Southland (no website! tsk tsk).

Ah, livin was easy. Something tells me that, in the future, maybe the near future, I will look back on weekends of Speedway, Taco Tico, and Marika's with a fondness for something lost. But, that is a separate issue altogether.

This blog entry will not address that issue, this entry has to do with some obscurity involving said ephemeral cash transactions. More specifically, the state quarters received as change during a Taco Tico feedbag pickup (3 hard tacos/volcano sauce, 2 combo burritos/hot sauce).

Have a look at these state quarters:

Change Given

On the left, a quarter representing South Dakota. On the right, a quarter representing Oklahoma. Fine enough, but what else is going on here? Is that the same bird? Does this bird appear on any other state quarters? Is this bird tasty?

More questions than answers for the time being. The various relatives and friends that appeared, disappeared, reappeared and finally disappeared (into my rear view mirror) had no answers to these questions and moreover, seemed largely underwhelmed by the observation itself.

Fine enough.

Returning home to a subsequent visit from an esteemed colleague lead to all sorts of information. The esteemed colleague spoke with authority on the matter of the two birdies:

+Although similar, the two are NOT identical.
+South Dakota's quarter depicts the red ringtail pheasant.
+Oklahoma's quarter depicts the longtail pheasant.
+The longtail is distinguished from the red ringtail by it's pointed wings.
+Whether or not either appears on a third state quarter is unknown. Conventional wisdom says- probably not.
+Neither birdie is all that tasty.

For those curious about the world, take this information with you and always examine your change closely- not just for pheasants, but to make sure it adds up to what you were expecting.

Confucius Wisdom

Grasshoppa-
When undergoing prep for colonoscopy, remember to duct tape legs to toilet seat. Otherwise you suffer "space shuttle effect" and end up beyond moon.

More than Ponies

On a recent excursion through the miserable state of Kentucky, I noticed a sign, posted by said state, promoting the "Kentucky Bourbon Trail". My initial surprise that the sign was unrelated to ponies quickly turned to bewilderment when I contemplated the hypocrisy evident in the "Bourbon Trail" marketecture. On the one hand, Kentucky strictly forbids drinking and driving, on the other, the "Bourbon Trail" is little more than a bunch of hard liquor distilleries clustered along Interstate 64.

Furthermore, this ambiguity exists in the state that was the scene of the nation's worst drunk driving accident.

***

Subsequently, I visited the bourbon trail website and discovered the following logo:



Check it out, it's a cartoonish rendering of a couple bourbon barrels rolling down a highway. What an image!

Continued exploration of the website revealed the following:



That's right, a spelling error! The webmaster is probably loaded on bourbon!

Be careful citizens, the webmaster hops in an automobile and drives home around 5p...

Kunstler

I've recently been hooked on the Jim Kunstler podcast. Here is one of my favorite "episodes".

***

In his book "The Geography of Nowhere" (1990), Jim altered me as profoundly as the film "Koyaanisqatsi" but with a much different message. I guess I would consider myself a disciple of his and I partially attribute "The Geography of Nowhere" with my unwillingness to move to the burbs and my reluctance to even visit the burbs, of Cincinnati or anywhere else, for that matter. As if the suburbs of Cincinnati were any different from anywhere else (the point of the book, duh).

A side note, Barack Obama's statement, "I'm not interested in the suburbs. The suburbs bore me." helps dull the pain of his recent victory.

***

Kunstler's blog (for my 21st century, computer literate, feed reader friends) is here. It far surpasses mine in terms of the ability to communicate the idea of how screwed up the world is right now.

22 discs

Sex Pistols (1977)


Joy Division- Unknown Pleasures (1979)


The Cure- Faith (1981)


New Order- Movement (1981)


Metallica- ...And Justice For All (1988)


Bauhaus- The Sky's Gone Out (1989)


Peter Gabriel- Passion (1989)


Big Audio Dynamite- The Globe (1991)


Pixies- Trompe Le Monde (1991)


Helmet- Meantime (1992)


Sublime- 40oz to Freedom (1992)


Front 242- 05:22:09:12:Off (1993)


Soul Coughing- Ruby Vroom (1994)


Filter- Short Bus (1995)


Patrick OHearn- Metaphor (1996)


Portishead- Portishead (1997)


Radiohead- OK Computer (1997)


Doves- Lost Souls (2000)


The Shins- Oh, Inverted World (2001)


Q and not U- Different Damage (2002)


Snow Patrol- Final Straw (2004)


Interpol- Antics (2005)


White Stripes- Get Behind Me Satan (2005)

Beijing, you're very clever

Hello, China! We have learned how to pronounce the name of your one horse town- Beijing. We get it. You're very clever.

Now, here's something for you to learn for 2016:

IPA: /Chiˈcaːgo/

Put down your chopsticks, its time for the stuffed crust...

Chocolate Chip Books

For this recipe, you will need:

5 parts inflated expenses
2 parts hidden revenue
Sugar
Butter
Chocolate Chips

Mix together all ingredients. Using a tablespoon, scoop out as many servings as you like onto a cooking sheet. Cook the Books at 350 for a half hour.

Viola! Golden Brown dough in your bank account.

Roadtrips

Rating an area can be difficult. Sometimes a fantastic area is ruined by bad luck/bad roadtrip. This map attempts to take that into account, and provides ratings based on the overall quality. "Overall quality" is vague, but can include: amount of fun, food, sports teams, food, transit options, food, architecture, and "vibe".



A+ to Chicago, Las Vegas, NYC

F to Raleigh/Durham, Orlando, St. Louis

Ice Cream Parlor Ruminations

Recently, your blogger observed a group of people ordering scoops of ice cream at a local parlor (UDF- Clifton & Ludlow).

Is it weird that UDF sells ice cream in these conditions? The air temperature at the time of the observation was 18F. Cholesterol aside, wouldn't the temperatures of the food and the air combined keep a rational person from going for a banana split? Shouldn't these "dairy freaks" just order a cup of black coffee and switch back to the nipple when we break 70F?

Form 426-T

Ham
As a corollary to the physical (ownership) transfer of a ham, the IRS now requires the transferee to file a new form- Form 426-T(Ham Transfer). The transferrer must also file a new form- Form 1090-HAM.

Both parties must state their full names and addresses, social security numbers, weight of the ham, and the date/purpose of the ham transfer amongst other information. In addition, the following two forms may also be required:

1: Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) must be filed if a Holiday Ham is being transferred. This applies to year round frozen ham transfers for the purpose of thawing at the holidays. The "holidays" are known as the period when the transferrer and the transferee take time off from work in order to consume ham at a celebration of the following:
+Kwanzaa
+Non Kosher Hanukkah
+Christmas
+All other holidays for which a politically correct designation is warranted

Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) is MANDATORY for all hams with a transfer date in December.

2: Form 426-T(INTERSTATE) must be filed if the transferrer and the transferee move a ham over state lines. This condition is met when the transferrer has a permanent address in one state and the transferee has a permanent address in another state.

Some examples-
EX1: Transferrer resides in Ohio and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The ham transfer occurs on December 16th.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files Form 426-T(INTERSTATE) AND Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS)

EX2: Transferrer resides in Ohio and transferee resides in Ohio. The ham transfer occurs on October 30th but the ham is frozen and for the purpose of a Non Kosher Hanukkah celebration.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files FORM 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS)

EX3. Transferrer resides in Kenyucky and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The transfer occurs on July 12th, the ham is NOT frozen, and is for the purpose of a well loved Canadian family member's birthday, celebrated on July 19th. In addition the transferee is vegetarian.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files FORM 426-T(Ham Transfer). There is no exemption for vegetarians that prepare hams for the consumption of others.

EX4. Transferrer resides in Kenyucky and transferee resides in Kenyucky. The transfer occurs on December 2, the ham is frozen, and is for the purpose of a "White People Aren't Cool Day" celebration, the day after Martin Luther King Jr. day in January.
FORMS: Transferrer files Form 1090-HAM/Transferee files Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) because the transfer occurred in December, even though the ham is not for the purpose of a holiday (as defined above) celebration.

The IRS has received many complaints regarding ham transfers made in December for the purpose of "White People Aren't Cool Day" celebrations. Although the mandatory Form 426-T(HAPPYHOLIDAYS) applies, the IRS may relax this requirement in the future. Currently, however, this form is required for such transfers running through the year 3300.

The IRS will assign values to the hams transferred and will respond to each ham transfer form filed with this value. This value is then carried to other IRS forms.

The IRS sincerely hopes taxpayers and ham transferrers enjoy their hams. When done properly, and within the framework of this guidance, everyone can enjoy ham, regardless of the occasion or time of year.

Safety Tips

If you’ve ever been passed on the wrong side, tailgated, cut off or hemmed in by another vehicle, you’ve been the victim of an aggressive driver. Drivers may be fined up to $200 for each moving violation associated with aggressive driving and could spend time in jail.

Avoid Becoming an Aggressive Driver
+Keep your emotions in check. Don’t take your frustrations out on other drivers.
+Plan ahead and allow enough time for delays.
+Focus on your own driving. Yelling, pounding on the steering wheel and honking your horn won't make traffic move any faster.
+Don't drive in the first place, move to pedestrian friendly neighborhoods and live close to work. If you're offered a job in some god forsaken suburb, turn it down.
+Sharpen your computer skills, so you can work remotely if possible.

How to Avoid Danger
1. Be a cautious, considerate driver. Avoid creating a situation that may provoke another motorist:

+Don’t tailgate or flash your lights at another driver.
+If you’re in the left lane and someone wants to pass, move over and let the driver pass you.
+Use your horn sparingly.

2. If you do encounter an angry driver, don’t make matters worse by triggering a confrontation:

+Avoid eye contact.
+Steer clear and give angry drivers plenty of room.
+Don’t make inappropriate hand or facial gestures.
+If you're concerned for your safety, call 9-1-1.

Last resort
If all of these Safety Tips fail, your only option is to become more aggressive than the aggressors:

+Honk as much as possible.
+"Ram" other automobiles when you see fit.
+Give "the finger" frequently.

This last resort option should not be used daily. But, it will let everyone else on the road know that, "you're the boss." If they are following the first and second options above, you'll have plenty of room, wide open lanes, and a smooth commute!

Brought to you by the (Insert your state here) Department of Transportation! Happy Highways everyone!

Hey Spammer, how we lookin?

Here is a link to a Perl script I'm hosting:

http://www.moderncs.net/contact.duh/userinfo.now

Click it and you will notice it generates random e-mail addresses and random links to MORE random e-mail addresses. When the spammers crawl webpages like this one, they get fake e-mail addresses mixed into their databases. Furthermore, when their spider (web crawling) programs follow the links, what do they get? MORE FAKE E-MAIL ADDRESSES! This can go on forever if their spiders don't figure it out.

If you have a webpage or blog, you should LINK to this page:

http://www.moderncs.net/contact.duh/userinfo.now

The spammers will NOT like you, but the rest of us will!

Yippee!

Note to self:

It's easier written than done, but in the face of adversity, remain positive. It is the only option. To dwell in the miseries of life is only a waste of time. Now, thats not to say "be chipper everyday"- there are just bad days. But misery as a way of life has been tried in the past. When caught doing it now, find the way out, as opposed to staying in it one second longer than necessary.

sell now

a couple of this evening's headlines on money.cnn.com:

"yahoo disappoints again"
"intel tumbles as margins miss"

the "santa rally" in the final week of 2006 plus the run up so far in 2007 doesn't make any sense. this economy has serious issues with the price of energy, and yet the dow has reached an all time high in the last three sessions.

14000 is an overbought market. earnings season is here, and the headlines above suggest tech isn't going to make it. the sell off is at hand.

this blogger (investor) has money on the sidelines and plans to wait another year or so until the market finds it's bottom, to put those funds in play. investing now is asking for losses in shareprice.

if one feels determined to purchase corporate shares, then purchase PG BEFORE 07.20. you will qualify for the august dividend and be in a great position for the selloff, because people need soap, toilet paper, and detergent even during a bear market. the street knows this and it's only a matter of time until they seek safety in a company like PG.

buffet strategy

when visiting a food buffet a little strategy can help you get the most for your money. here is a strategy i have successfully used at the kingsgate conference center:

+ALWAYS use the first plate for a leafy green salad. when creating the plate, avoid any pastas that may be in the salad bar. just leafy greens with things like cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. salad dressing and cheese ARE allowed.
+on the second plate, head for the entrees, but avoid the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. the idea is to experience as many flavors as the buffet has to offer without taking on the carbs.
+the third plate is the big one...pick your favorites from the second plate, or try things you didn't get to yet. go nutz! and eat the potatoes, the pastas, and the breads. it's carb time!
+after the third plate, order a cup of black coffee and relax for 15 minutes.
+return to the dessert buffet and go nutz!

this strategy has served me well during my trips to kingsgate's buffet. they charge $12 so i'm inclined to make the trip count. as a bonus, working out about an hour before the trip also aids the consumption.

try this strategy and post a comment if it works for you!